Befriending my spouse. Trick or Treat?

On Friday I started a series that addressed the importance of modeling gospel driven marriages. God is the Architect of the brilliant plan to capture the hearts of the generations through His families (Malachi 4:6).

God has designed the family to be the channel to pass on His plan for redemption to the next generation (Genesis 12:1-3; Psalm 78:3-8). NBFamilies are working to discover providential opportunities where - traditional parents, single parents, grand parents, step parents, foster parents - can experience God’s life changing presence in their homes.

Let this sink in:

• Our kid’s hearts are being shaped by observing our marriages.
• Our kid’s faith is being influenced by observing how we treat each other as husband and wife.
• Our kid’s faith, their ability to trust, their sense of safety and security, is either being bolstered or being destroyed every day, as they watch us.
• Since marriage is a metaphor for God’s love for His church, (Ephesians 5:25-32) what are our kids learning as they study how we relate to one another?

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Friendship is a key component in marriage. But when couples begin to work at maintaining their life together (earning income, paying bills, keeping up with the household, the kids, the extended family, etc.), sadly, friendship is the first thing that is neglected and ignored. Friendship is typically what started the couple down the path to marriage. But when friendship is ignored and neglected, destructive feelings like grief, loss, frustration, disappointment, can replace the feelings that friendship can bring.

A friend is . . .

• Someone who is delighted to see you and does not have any plans for your immediate improvement.
• Someone who can relate to your struggles and weakness
• Someone who gives comforting favor when we are our ugliest
• Someone who shows respect for your opinion
• Someone who is careful not to give unwanted advice
• Someone who has an interest in what is happening to you

We need three basic things from our friends—especially when that friend is our spouse:

1. Acceptance - Proverbs 17:17-A friend loves at all times. A gospel driven friendship between a husband and wife must be characterized by essentials of the gospel.
   • The admitting of mistakes
   • The gift of repentance
   • The gift of forgiveness
   • The gift of mercy
   • The gift of grace 

2. Affirmation – 1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up as you are already doing. With every encounter, make it your aim that you spouse is better off for having been in your presence. Affirm them regularly and often. Affirm them even if they disagree that they are worthy of your affirmation. The bible is full of commands to affirm one another:

   Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their efforts. 10 For if either falls, his companion can lift him up; but pity the one who falls without another to lift him up. 11 Also, if two lie down together, they can keep warm; but how can one person alone keep warm? 12 And if somebody overpowers one person, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not easily broken.

   A gospel driven friendship between a husband and wife must be characterized by essentials of the gospel.
   • The gift of presence. Be present when you are with your spouse. Make eye contact. Silence your smart phone. Listen attentively.
   • The gift of hope. Tell your spouse how they are right for you. Demonstrate faith with health anticipation of a brighter and better future. Talk about days that you are looking forward to experiencing with them.
   • The gift of extravagance. Spend precious time, money, and energy on your spouse. Make a sacrifice of any size, but the greater the sacrifice, the greater id characterizes the gospel.
3. Accountability – Galatians 6:2 Carry one another’s burdens; in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. This characteristic of friendship may be the most delicate. Knowing whow and when to be accountable to you spouse requires wisdom (James 1:5). Pray for your spouse. Encourage them without nagging or expressing disappointment. Lighten your load by being honest and open. Real intimacy shares responsibility mutually. A gospel driven friendship between a husband and wife must be characterized by essentials of the gospel.
   • The gift of transparency
   • The gift of authenticity
   • The gift of loving truthfulness.

Jesus doesn't promise you will always feel like friends, but He promises you can have an eternal anchor for your soul: THE GOSPEL (John 16:33). Our kids need to see what it looks like to follow Christ more than they need to hear what we say it is like to follow Christ. Parents are the models of following Christ. This is no easy task. Yet there is no better way to teach them than to show them. Our kids need to see us struggle, mess up, yet reply with gospel centered reaction.

Our responses to one another, especially in the arguements, must be graceful and gospel centered:

1. Mistakes are made,
2. Grace is offered,
3. Forgiveness is experienced,
4. Repentance causes change and
5. Mercy is enjoyed!

The gospel response is always the best response and this is how our kid’s faith will be influenced. Is it time to have a conversation with you spouse and begin living a gospel centered marriage? That is my prayer for you.

God bless our marriages!

Dr. Phil Sallee, Pastor
twitter.com/philsallee
facebook.com/phil.sallee
philsallee.info
nbchurch.info
nbfamilies.info

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Faith and Family

My level of faith continues to grow as I get older. I have seen more, experienced more, learned more about how God is working in my life, in and through my children, my wife, my family and friends. Now that I have turned 50 years old  and having more grandchildren come into the family, I seem to be spending more time reflecting on the past. However, I am also looking forward to the future. In the past, I was looking forward to the future and trying to forget the past. You can't do anything about the past anyway, so why dwell on it, right?

I see the direction of the Family Ministry model at New Beginnings and I have my own regrets about the things that I could have or should have done with my children as they were growing up. Now they are adults and some are now having their own children. So in this reflecting process I am reminded about what kind of parent I was when I was their age.

Here is one of the things that I have learned that I wish I would have known early on in my parenting. Parenting is a life long process. It doesn't end when the children turn 18.The little things that you may not think are making a difference will make a difference over time.

Some examples of those "little things" are having Faith Talks and Faith Walks with your children and creating milestone events that make memorable moments for you and them, that they want to pass down to their children, with hope that those things will get passed on to their children, etc. The hard part in the process is that we parents get busy. Busy with life, job pressures, relationship pressures, time pressures and then time slips away and before you know it, your children are now teenagers and then adults. Will you stay the course? Do you believe it will make a difference? You may not see immediate changes in your children. You may not see immediate changes in your teenagers. But will you have enough faith, that God will help you in the process, IF you remain faithful in doing your part too?

Most Christians know this verse that defines the word "faith"  from Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is the reality of what is hoped for, the proof of what is not seen."

But not many may know the "why" explained in the very next verse in Hebrews 11:2   "For our ancestors won God’s approval by it."

 Will our children and grandchildren and great grandchildren be saying the same thing about their ancestors?

  

 

ESCAPING WEAKNESS VS. TRUSTING HOURLY IN JESUS

“My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect IN weakness.”

Life was never guaranteed to be paved with ease and comfort. Somehow, especially as Americans, this can become our default expectation. Sometimes it’s the unwritten promise on the walls of our schools—“If you succeed here you will move on to greater, more profitable, more comfortable, ease and comfort.” Again, it may not be explicitly screamed from week to week as we’re growing up, but it may be an ever-present, implicit expectation being communicated and received. 

Then life takes a turn. 

Unforeseen hurts. Difficulties. Pain. Suffering. Disease. All associated to the fall of Adam and Eve. 

We find ourselves possibly expecting/hoping for happy, joyous, fulfilling, rewarding, comfortable lives. Add to this the whole section of the western church that has bought into the demonic lies of the health/wealth/prosperity gospel.  It falsely confirms through horrible hermeneutical tactics the idea that if you’re following God—He is obligated to keep you from any form of harm or discomfort. 

So not only do our own hearts within us desire ease, comfort, and a Utopian life void of all pain—our culture implicitly directs us towards it—and then misguided, self-seeking teachers trying to gain mass approval put God’s stamp of approval on it. 

When all of those voices, including our own hearts, try to direct us away from any kind of weakness and suffering—it puts our world on its head when God BOTH “allows” and “purposefully causes” events and circumstances to humble us to that very weakened posture we have been trained to avoid. 

In the last few years, I’ve found myself trying to ESCAPE WEAKNESS at all costs. At times, not realizing it, I’ve probably even feared weakness. It is easy to allow all of your thoughts and ideas to be consumed on avoiding weakness. 

I know. The judges on American Idol and The Voice would be screaming at me that I DO NOT need to embrace weakness—that I need to see myself as strong—that I need more self-esteem and more pride—and I can overcome anything I put my mind to. But why do we fear weakness? 

What if God has brought you to weakened posture to show you His sufficiency? 

What if God is the One bringing you to weakened posture because only then do you see your own true state of dependency—and at the same time are reacquainted with His vast omnipotence? 

In all of our plans and purposes of pulling up our bootstraps and removing ourselves from this weakened state—What if it is God who is battling against us—trying to bring us to weakness—in order to show HIs power and glory? 

WHAT IF WE SPEND ALL OF OUR TIME TRYING TO ESCAPE WEAKNESS INSTEAD OF TRUSTING HOURLY IN CRYING OUT TO JESUS? 

This is exactly what was happening with Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. 

Paul’s heart might have been tempted to boast in other things. Jesus says to Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you for My power is made perfect in weakness.” 

Not “Paul, you’re better than this. You can do this.”

Not “Paul, you got this! You’ve got strength down deep inside of you.” 

Not “Paul, you can overcome this with your own power.”

Not even close. In fact, just the opposite.

12: 9-11 Jesus words to Paul: “My grace is sufficient for you for My power is made perfect in weakness.”

Jesus says, "MY grace...MY grace...not your strength Paul. MY power...MY power...not yours."  

Paul’s response to Jesus’ words:  “Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 

Paul’s understanding of various weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties is changed completely. In direct correlation to the circumstances is Jesus aim to “perfect His power” in those weaknesses. 

Notice Paul’s desire: “so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” Interesting that he uses those two words together, “power,” and “rest.” They are not close cousins. Christ is full of power we know nothing about—and it is available to rest on us—and specifically in these times. 

Notice Paul’s understanding is changed because of ONE SINGLE MOTIVATING PASSION—“FOR CHRIST’S SAKE…I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.” It is not for the sake of Paul’s pride. It is not finding our true strength in ourselves when we reach “the end of our rope.” It is truly understanding the reality that it is Christ’s power that sustains us and changes things—and therefore it is “For Christ’s sake” that we persevere through these things. 

Paul has no shame in weaknesses. Paul even sees the weaknesses as an unwelcomed hurtful friends that are meant by God to perform good things. 

Paul now knows that Jesus’ grace is truly sufficient. Grace is needed at the start of the day. But sometimes only two hours into the day—more grace is needed. And then again at lunch—grace is needed. In the afternoon, when the trials and difficulties pop back up in our minds or in face-to-face opposition—Jesus’ grace is still the only thing sufficient. 

He is a living God/man. He is not as far removed as our thoughts would allow us to think. He is reigning and ruling. And sometimes that ruling specifically hits us in the face to bring us to His desired posture of weakness before Him. He even enjoys this process for us, because in the end, if we have submitted to what He brings us—we discover new depths of trust and enjoyment. 

WHAT IF WE SPEND ALL OF OUR TIME TRYING TO ESCAPE WEAKNESS INSTEAD OF TRUSTING HOURLY IN CRYING OUT TO JESUS?

Stop trying at all costs to ESCAPE weakness.

Stop FEARING weakness. 

Stop spending all your thoughts and ideas focused on avoiding weakness. 

God may be battling against you—trying to bring you to weakness—in order to show His power to you and around you. 

Everyone wants escape from weakness.

Ask yourself why? 

Ask yourself how much time you spend working to ESCAPE weakness?

Ask yourself how much you FEAR being found weak? 

Ask yourself if God is leading you into a season and area of weakness? 

Sankie P. Lynch

Pastor of Families

www.nbchurch.info

www.nbfamilies.info

Sometimes it takes more...

“This kind cannot be driven out by anything but prayer.” Mark 9:29

The disciples wondered why they were unable to cast the demon out of the man’s child and this was Jesus’ response. How true it is with much of life; some things require prayer and fasting; deep deliverance is always dependent upon the Divine. Not that there is some type of religious hocus pocus to perform; there assuredly is no spiritual equation to follow. However, many things require an amount of patience and reliance that can only be found through increased measures of faith.

And this ought to be an encouragement. For we look forward to days of harvest and long for heaven’s bountiful blessings while here on earth. Certainly we experience such grace in part but never in full. The reality is that moments such as these are not passed out like Halloween candies. In truth, we must wait…and waiting is difficult.

When we want things, we rarely want them in the future. How often have you thought, “Twill be nice to have this or that someday, if God ordains it...”? Typically when we want something, we want it right now. Why is patience considered virtuous? One with patience is thought to have virtue because everyone knows we do not come by it naturally. So when our days grow challenging and our abilities fail to bring about our desired outcomes, where else can we turn?

When our belief is not enough, we, like the father of the child in the story, must look to our Savior for help. “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24) When the right direction is unclear, when discernment is desperately required, when disease ravages the body, and sin torments the soul that’s astray, we must press into Christ. “Lord, we’ve tried every avenue known to us; we’ve been reminded of our insufficient strength and Your omnipotent hand; Father, do what only you can!”

So where is this struggle for you? Is it a rebellious child that wants nothing to do with the things of God? Are you stuck in a season of life that seems to request far more than you can give? Are you striving to turn the tide in your home? Does it feel like the culture is changing, but just way too slowly? Perhaps, this passage is the Lord’s way of reminding you to faithfully pursue and entrust the One who is forever faithful – the One that never tires out – the One who knows the very number of hairs on your head – the Great God of our salvation – the One to whom even the demons and winds and waves obey.

Yes, some things may come only by prayer and fasting. Certainly the Lord calls us to a deepening faith. Yet, lest we be deceived, there is no good thing that comes about on our own. That is to say, all gifts come from above. May we see our daily need for Jesus in the big and the small alike, and might He grow our trust in Him – for His grace to be experienced and His glory to be revealed.

Matt Fowler - Family Pastor of High School

Don't shut me out!

On Friday I started a series that addressed the importance of modeling gospel driven marriages. God is the Architect of the brilliant plan to capture the hearts of the generations through His families (Malachi 4:6).
God has designed the family to be the channel to pass on His plan for redemption to the next generation (Genesis 12:1-3; Psalm 78:3-8). NBFamilies are working to discover providential opportunities where - traditional parents, single parents, grand parents, step parents, foster parents - can experience God’s life changing presence in their homes.

Let this sink in:

• Our kid’s hearts are being shaped by observing our marriages.
• Our kid’s faith is being influenced by observing how we treat each other as husband and wife.
• Our kid’s faith, their ability to trust, their sense of safety and security, is either being bolstered or being destroyed every day, as they watch us.
• Since marriage is a metaphor for God’s love for His church, (Ephesians 5:25-32) what are our kids learning as they study how we relate to one another?

Marriages weaken and eventually fail if a couple neglects or refuses to communicate with one another. The Bible is very clear about this. Communication can bring healing (Proverbs 12:18). Refusing, neglecting to communicate, or communicating harmfully can bring destruction (Galatians 5:13-15).
Last week and we investigated two destructive or aggressive ways to communicate and effectively STOP communication. Today we will look at 2 passive aggressive ways to effectively stop a conversation. Let me warn you that Christian marriage are most likely to avoid aggression, yet effectively hinder or stop communication using passive aggressive ways. Your job is to identify which method you use to stop the conversation! Research has proven that couples who exhibit the following habits severely risks their happiness in marriage and duration of marriage:
1 & 2 are Aggressive Conversation Stopping Methods
3 & 4 are Passive Aggressive Conversation Stopping Methods

1. Escalation: Escalation occurs when each spouse increases the level of hostility during the conversation. The conversation stops when the hostility becomes too uncomfortable.
2. Character Assignation: Character Assignation occurs when one or the other spouse calls the other spouse’s character into question during the conversation. There are a variety of creative and vicious ways to call your spouse’s character into question: name calling, profanity, and comparison to name a few. The conversation stops when one or the other spouses feels as if they character has been attacked or called into question becomes too uncomfortable.



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3. Invalidation: Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings. It is an attempt to control how they feel and how long they feel it. There are hundreds of ways to invalidate your spouse. Over time, an invalidated spouse, because they have been invalidated for a prolonged period, begins to become unfulfilled with a diminished aptitude toward intimacy. The conversation stops when one or both spouse are feeling invalidated. When one spouse, perhaps teasingly, orders the other spouse to change behaviors, this is invalidation:
   • Smile. 

   • Be happy.

   • Cheer up.

   • Lighten up.

   • Get over it. 

   • Grow up.

   • Get a life.

   • Don't cry.

   • Don't worry.

   • Don't be sad.

   • Stop whining.

   • Stop laughing. 

   • Don't get angry.
   • 
Deal with it. 

   • Give it a rest. 

   • Forget about it.

   • Stop complaining. 

   • Don't be so dramatic. 

   • Don't be so sensitive. 

   • Stop being so emotional.

   • Stop feeling sorry for yourself
   Invalidation is a heinous passive aggressive method because it can be masked as humor. A simple, perhaps previously humorous remark, such as, “Brilliant Einstein!” can effectively communicate, “Your remark was so obvious, too minimal, so elementary that I perceive it as dim-witted.” If the person who is being invalidated protests, then the passive aggressive remark is dismissed by claiming, “I was just joking!” All Insults, put-downs, and sarcasm can be effectively, albeit destructively, be used to cease constructive communication. Invalidation also causes the target to become defensive because the passive aggressive remark forces the perception of the invalidated target:
   
   • You've got it all wrong.
   • But of course I respect you.
   • But I do listen to you.
   • That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.) I was only kidding.
   • That's not the way things are.
   • That's not how things are.
   • I honestly don't judge you as much as you think.
   • Don’t worry about that.
   • It's not going to happen
   Invalidation also occurs when the passive aggressive minimizes the targets feelings:
   • You must be kidding.
   • You must be joking.
   • You can't be serious.
   • It can't be that bad.
   • Your life can't be that bad.
   • It's nothing to get upset over.
   • It's not worth getting that upset over.
   • There's nothing wrong with you, so stop complaining.
   All invalidation is a form of passive aggressive attack. When we are attacked, our survival instinct tells us to defend ourselves either through withdrawal or counter-attack. Repeated withdrawal, though, tends to decrease our self-confidence and lead to a sense of powerlessness and depression.
4. Withdrawal: When a couple is disagreeing one or both spouses avoid the issue. The conversation stops when one or both spouses becomes silent or avoids the discussion. This method is also a favorite among Christian couples. The peace seeking, Christian avoider may feel as if they are bringing peace by avoiding conflict. However, if critical conversations are avoided without resolve, damaging relational pressure builds and destruction is the result. There are also several effective methods to withdrawal from communication:
   • Blind compliance - O.K., I'll do whatever you want! I’m cool with that (even if you’re not)! Whatever is fine with me (even if you’re not)! .
   • Distracted attention - T.V., smart phones, newspaper, video games, etc.)
   • Other obligations – The kids need me; My office is calling; Dinner is ready; Let me finish this first; I’m too busy right now; etc.
   Withdrawal is an equally effective method for stopping a conversation. Yet communication is a couple’s best opportunity to stay connected relationally, spiritually, and intimately. Further, communication is the mean by which couples can communicate worth, thanks, value and love. While these two Passive Aggressive Conversation Stopping Methods may effectively stop a harmful conversation, they are NOT the way of the gospel. The gospel is the good news that God has won victory over sin and death through Jesus' perfect sacrifice. Gospel driven parents admit their mistakes, believe that God’s has extended His grace, ask for forgiveness, and repent of our sinful and selfish behaviors.
   Jesus doesn't say, "There won't be arguments." Jesus doesn't promise you will always feel happy and agreeable, but He promises you can have an eternal anchor for your soul: THE GOSPEL (John 16:33). Our kids need to see what it looks like to follow Christ more than they need to hear what we say it is like to follow Christ. Parents are the models of following Christ. This is no easy task. Yet there is no better way to teach them than to show them. Our kids need to see us struggle, mess up, yet reply with gospel centered reaction.
   Our responses to one another, especially in the arguements, must be graceful and gospel centered:
   
   1. Mistakes are made,
   2. Grace is offered,
   3. Forgiveness is experienced,
   4. Repentance causes change and
   5. Mercy is enjoyed!
   The gospel response is always the best response and this is how our kid’s faith will be influenced. Is it time to have a conversation with you spouse and begin living a gospel centered marriage? That is my prayer for you.God bless our marriages!
   

   

   Dr. Phil Sallee, Pastor
   twitter.com/philsallee
   facebook.com/phil.sallee
   philsallee.info
   nbchurch.info
   nbfamilies.info

Just How Important Is Trust?

Think about a society where there is little or no trust. You can't trust the food you eat at a restaurant. You can't trust the food you buy at the store. You can't trust the water you are drinking out of the faucet or in the water bottle. You can't trust the bank where you put your money. You can't trust the doctors or the nurses in the hospital. You can't trust the police officer you called when you dialed 911. You surely can't trust the news you are watching on television or the politicians in the government. You can't trust the teachers you just left your children with at school or the professors in college. You can't trust the pastors at your church. Think what our society would be like? Paranoia, fear, anger, distrust, survival of self and self alone. That would be a scary society to live in.

Like it or not, our society has been built on a certain level of trust. Each generation has to carry that trust forward to maintain that level of trust, but it appears from the statistics quoted below, that our societies' level of trust is falling among those who are or will become the leaders of the future.

Checkout these excerpts in italics from Tim Elmore's blog from Oct 22, 2014.

Trust is Dropping Among Students

"Jean Twenge, lead author of a study that was published last month in the online edition of the journal Psychological Science, says the current atmosphere — fed by the Great Recession, mass shootings, and everything from church sex abuse scandals and racial strife to the endless parade of publicly shamed politicians, athletes and celebrities — may help explain why this young generation’s trust levels hit an all-time low in 2012 (the most recent data available)."

"In the mid-1970s, when baby boomers were coming of age, about a third of high school seniors agreed that “most people can be trusted. That dropped to 18% in the early 1990s for Gen Xers — and then, in 2012, to just 16% of Millennials.

The researchers also found that Millennials’ approval of major institutions — from Congress and corporations to the news media and educational and religious institutions — dropped more sharply than other generations in the decade that followed the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001."

“Young people today feel disconnected and alienated,” says Twenge, a psychologist and professor at San Diego State University, who wrote a book on Millennials called Generation Me. She finds these outcomes “especially distressing” for a generation that had been expected to be more trusting of government.

For instance, in 2000-2002, 49% of 12th graders who were surveyed said Congress was doing a “good” or “very good” job, compared with just 22% who said the same in 2010-2012. 30% of young boomers were approving in the mid-1970s, and 33% of Gen Xers were approving in early 1990s. (The researchers benchmark these figures every three years to assure they‘re comparing consistent trends. The margin of error is plus or minus 1 percentage point.)

"What’s more, in 2000-2002, 54% of 12th graders approved of the job large corporations were doing. That fell to 33% by 2010-12. 40% of boomers approved in the mid-1970s, and 48% of Gen Xers approved in the early 1990s. During that decade, Millennials also had notable drops in approval of colleges and universities, the news media, public schools and religious institutions. Ugh. What have we done?"

The Pew Research Center, an American think tank organization, defined "adult Millennials" as those who are 18 to 33 years old, born 1981–1996

What are WE leaders, parents, teachers, pastors doing about the trust factor between us and our children, students and young adults?  Are we parents raising up children who can be trusted? Do they know how important integrity and character and trustworthiness is for their future?

We have responsibilities on both sides of this issue. We need to be trustworthy ourselves in order to teach our children, trustworthiness, who will then become leaders, parents who are trustworthy. Who will be the leaders of tomorrow? Will they be like those Moses chose to be leaders in Exodus 18?

Exodus 18:21
²¹ But you should select from all the people able men, God-fearing, trustworthy, and hating bribes.