God has designed the family to be the channel to pass on His plan for redemption to the next generation (Genesis 12:1-3; Psalm 78:3-8). NBFamilies are working to discover providential opportunities where - traditional parents, single parents, grand parents, step parents, foster parents - can experience God’s life changing presence in their homes.
Let this sink in:
- Our kid’s hearts are being shaped by observing our marriages.
- Our kid’s faith is being influenced by observing how we treat each other as husband and wife.
- Our kid’s faith, their ability to trust, their sense of safety and security, is either being bolstered or being destroyed every day, as they watch us.
- Since marriage is a metaphor for God’s love for His church, (Ephesians 5:25-32) what are our kids learning as they study how we relate to one another?
Marriages weaken and eventually fail if a couple neglects or refuses to communicate with one another. The Bible is very clear about this. Communication can bring healing (Proverbs 12:18). Refusing, neglecting to communicate, or communicating harmfully can bring destruction (Galatians 5:13-15).Last week and we investigated two destructive or aggressive ways to communicate and effectively STOP communication. Today we will look at 2 passive aggressive ways to effectively stop a conversation. Let me warn you that Christian marriage are most likely to avoid aggression, yet effectively hinder or stop communication using passive aggressive ways. Your job is to identify which method you use to stop the conversation! Research has proven that couples who exhibit the following habits severely risks their happiness in marriage and duration of marriage:
1 & 2 are Aggressive Conversation Stopping Methods
3 & 4 are Passive Aggressive Conversation Stopping Methods
- Escalation: Escalation occurs when each spouse increases the level of hostility during the conversation. The conversation stops when the hostility becomes too uncomfortable.
- Character Assignation: Character Assignation occurs when one or the other spouse calls the other spouse’s character into question during the conversation. There are a variety of creative and vicious ways to call your spouse’s character into question: name calling, profanity, and comparison to name a few. The conversation stops when one or the other spouses feels as if they character has been attacked or called into question becomes too uncomfortable.
- Invalidation: Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings. It is an attempt to control how they feel and how long they feel it. There are hundreds of ways to invalidate your spouse. Over time, an invalidated spouse, because they have been invalidated for a prolonged period, begins to become unfulfilled with a diminished aptitude toward intimacy. The conversation stops when one or both spouse are feeling invalidated. When one spouse, perhaps teasingly, orders the other spouse to change behaviors, this is invalidation:
- Smile.
- Be happy.
- Cheer up.
- Lighten up.
- Get over it.
- Grow up.
- Get a life.
- Don't cry.
- Don't worry.
- Don't be sad.
- Stop whining.
- Stop laughing.
- Don't get angry.
- Deal with it.
- Give it a rest.
- Forget about it.
- Stop complaining.
- Don't be so dramatic.
- Don't be so sensitive.
- Stop being so emotional.
- Stop feeling sorry for yourself
- You've got it all wrong.
- But of course I respect you.
- But I do listen to you.
- That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.) I was only kidding.
- That's not the way things are.
- That's not how things are.
- I honestly don't judge you as much as you think.
- Don’t worry about that.
- It's not going to happen
- You must be kidding.
- You must be joking.
- You can't be serious.
- It can't be that bad.
- Your life can't be that bad.
- It's nothing to get upset over.
- It's not worth getting that upset over.
- There's nothing wrong with you, so stop complaining.
- Withdrawal: When a couple is disagreeing one or both spouses avoid the issue. The conversation stops when one or both spouses becomes silent or avoids the discussion. This method is also a favorite among Christian couples. The peace seeking, Christian avoider may feel as if they are bringing peace by avoiding conflict. However, if critical conversations are avoided without resolve, damaging relational pressure builds and destruction is the result. There are also several effective methods to withdrawal from communication:
- Blind compliance - O.K., I'll do whatever you want! I’m cool with that (even if you’re not)! Whatever is fine with me (even if you’re not)! .
- Distracted attention - T.V., smart phones, newspaper, video games, etc.)
- Other obligations – The kids need me; My office is calling; Dinner is ready; Let me finish this first; I’m too busy right now; etc.
Jesus doesn't say, "There won't be arguments." Jesus doesn't promise you will always feel happy and agreeable, but He promises you can have an eternal anchor for your soul: THE GOSPEL (John 16:33). Our kids need to see what it looks like to follow Christ more than they need to hear what we say it is like to follow Christ. Parents are the models of following Christ. This is no easy task. Yet there is no better way to teach them than to show them. Our kids need to see us struggle, mess up, yet reply with gospel centered reaction.
Our responses to one another, especially in the arguements, must be graceful and gospel centered:
- Mistakes are made,
- Grace is offered,
- Forgiveness is experienced,
- Repentance causes change and
- Mercy is enjoyed!
Dr. Phil Sallee, Pastor
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