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| I know...I know...she's changed a lot! |
Today is my 1st year anniversary for being at New Beginnings Church. I had planned on writing a blog looking back over the past 52 weeks of blogs and seeing which ones were the most popular or most-read over this past year.
But this weekend was also our 15th Wedding Anniversary. So I decided to instead write another appreciation to the woman I’ve spent the past 15 years speaking to every night and sharing life with.
Jamie and I have been married for fifteen years. We were together for a year and then were engaged for another nine months before we got married, so that makes almost seventeen years we’ve been together.
Part of the purpose of our blogs here at New Beginnings is to not only address theological topics and family direction, but to let you get to know us as Pastors. That means little glimpses of what stirs us and what it’s like in our own inner circle—our marriages and families. That also means our failures as much as our strengths. Please know that what I’m sharing below is highlighting qualities about my wife in an attempt to honor her. In highlighting some areas, it is not meant to portray an image that we never have problems or that we’re on a spiritual level, as pastors, that removes us from personal failures and struggles with sin. If you hear anything—hear that we are at a constant tension with sinful struggles—and that we still look to the power of the man who died on the cross to remove us from that power of sin and who walked out of the grave to give us the hope of true transformation and change. We do not look at the cross as the event that only saved us—but as the thing that continues to shape us and change us. Our enjoyment of our marriage is a direct correlation to our enjoyment, not duty, of Jesus Christ.
I decided to share some of this to let you know more about me as a person and what I see in my wife. We have learned that marriage is incredibly hard, but very rewarding and extremely enjoyable. It is not a matter of duty—but delight. If you’re in a place where that isn’t the case—I would simply point you to the same fountain of grace found in Christ and His gospel of repentance. This doesn’t mean that every afternoon is a mountain peak experience for us. We’ve had many lows from different circumstances and relationships around us. But there is supernatural help and overwhelming hope if you continue to surrender your rights to your Creator and Savior. I’m not very good at using Facebook for all of our events in life or for sharing deeper things about us. I believe this blog is possibly a safer place for me in doing those things. So here is more appreciation to Jamie on our 15th Anniversary!
5 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT JAMIE
- SHE MAKES ORDINARY MOMENTS IN LIFE FEEL EXTRAORDINARY!
Proverbs 5:18 “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth,”
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| I see something else as the most beautiful object of this picture. |
There are times when she’s talking that I truly do not hear what she says. That may sound normal, except we both try to be really good listeners. I don’t hear what she’s saying because I’m caught up in a moment staring at how beautiful she is. We’ll be driving around the lake with our windows down, the air blowing through her hair (three screaming boys attempting to sing along with the radio) and all of a sudden, all of it fades to background because I’ve caught her being stunning without ever knowing it as we all sing along to some song together. She makes ordinary feel extraordinary. When we get to go out for an evening alone and we’re sitting at a table for dinner, there’s usually this moment where everything pauses and I’m halted by a breathtaking look. Sometimes as she’s sleeping, I’ve sat and stared and had tears roll down my face in asking why or how God let a guy like me have her for a wife. And that’s no smooshy, false humility statement—that’s not good writing. If you know me—you know this to be true. Those of you who know me and my life—you’ve forgotten what Christ has done if you don’t ask the same question. She makes ordinary feel extraordinary!
She keeps me interested in her. I am still intrigued and fascinated by different things that I continue to learn about her. I’m more attracted and interested in her now than ever before. She opens up and shares who she is and what she’s thinking with me. That hasn’t always come easy for her. It takes lots of mutual sharing and intimacy to share some of your deepest thoughts and fears with another person. Our first year of marriage, we decided to go without television (not because we feared it’s evils), but because we might tend to zone out and not interact. We learned that, in marriage, you’re always moving towards greater isolation or greater intimacy. We had developed such a foundation of talking and sharing each night during that first year that we decided to do the same thing for years two and three. The first couple of years we had “couch time” where we got in from work and sat down for the first hour and discussed our day. Those usually carried over into fixing dinner together, eating dinner, and then cleaning up afterwards, while still sharing about the day.
Once kids came along, that time can be easily divided. When I get in, I go straight to her—stepping over them to get to her—because I want them to see she comes first. Remember, they are leaving one day—she is not. Everyday Papa (my grandpa) walked in the door, he walked straight over to Mamaw (my grandma) and gave her a kiss. My little eyes noticed that. I want those boys to see a dad in love with their mommy. I want them to desire that type of wife and that type of marriage when they grow up. I pray God uses those little moments everyday to be a vision of hope for their futures and their children. Their faces light up when we embrace. In fact, it immediately turns into a “family hug” anytime we wrap our arms around each other in the kitchen each afternoon. Jamie makes ordinary feel extraordinary!
2. SHE LOVES QUALITY TIME = LATE NIGHTS & DATE NIGHTS!
Proverbs 18:2 “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD.”
We don’t have a date night every week (or every two weeks) where we leave the house and kids and have a night out for dinner and the movies, sometimes we go a few weeks without getting away alone—but we do connect with deep conversations and sharing of our thoughts, ideas, hopes, dreams, feelings, fears, and failures on many nights throughout each week.
Again, I believe that men should be pursuing their wives, engaging with them (not staring at a tv over their shoulder during dinner), and communicating with them on an emotional level—and that may be more difficult for some men than it is for others. And I believe that, if possible, men should be pursuing and dating their wives like they did before marriage. But, in different seasons of life, you may have to find avenues that work better for you as a couple in landing on something that provides quality time for you to be together.
I would love to be able to take Jamie out to eat and to a movie one night each week. But there are times when that doesn’t work with our schedule. This can also be a very expensive avenue for many people on extremely tight budgets. If a family is squeaking by, paycheck to paycheck, how do they pay for baby-sitters, restaurants, movies, or other events on a regular weekly basis. And then there are people who have regular date nights, but whose marriage is in the tank when you talk to them behind the scenes. So, date nights are wonderful, but they are not the only way to your woman’s heart. It takes intentional and creative pursuit.
There are some couples we’ve met recently who, when you see them headed out to date night, you can see the excitement on their faces! I have a couple of friends who have huge smiles on their faces as they head out for dates on nights that we have ministries for their kids. That is a very creative and intentional time for dates in a very busy culture. Not only are those husbands excited and happy—they’re very wise as well! They don’t see date nights as the fix-all for marriage—as if having a regular date night will solve all their loneliness and isolation in marriage. It’s simply a great avenue to show your wife you still care. So date nights do not necessarily equal quality time and deeper sharing. There are some creative ways of watching a couple’s kids while they go out and then letting them watch yours while you go out. It takes hard work to find time each night to talk about the day and all thats gone on with each other and the family.
We’ve landed on having time set aside almost every night after the boys are in bed to talk about how things have gone that day, any new events with the boys, and how we are doing as a family. Nights are good for us right now because neither of us have extremely early schedules in the mornings. For some people, if they have really early starts in the mornings, there may be a better avenue or a different time to connect and have some quality time. I had always wanted someone that would truly share life with me—not just go through the motions and co-habitate. Jamie’s quality time is one of the treasures of life on earth. I love that she loves quality time.
3. SHE IS THE FURTHEST THING FROM MOODY:
Proverbs 19:13 “A foolish son is ruin to his father, and a wife’s quarreling is a continual dripping of rain.”
Proverbs 21:9 “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.”
Proverbs 27:15 “A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike.”
I have never, in fifteen years of marriage, had one night where I dreaded coming home because of what type of MOOD she would be in when I walked through the door. I’ve never pulled up and dreaded going in because my wife may be in any one of twenty horrible moods. It just hasn’t happened. Sure, there are times when she’s frustrated with the three little bad versions of me she’s been dealing with all day, but not an ounce of moodiness. There are times of stress too, but that doesn’t mean moodiness. This means low-maintenance and low-drama. We all know that women sometimes get a bad rap for being more emotional than men tend to be, but that doesn’t have to become an excuse for extreme moodiness. We’ve all seen those husbands with the “thousand-yard stare” and then we see (or hear) the wife nearby barking loudly her opinions and her critiques of her husband.
As those Proverbs above have stated, it would be miserable to live with a moody and quarrelsome wife. In the same way, it would be miserable to live with a rigid, uncaring, husband who doesn’t have time to connect with his wife emotionally. We have arguments sometimes, but it usually ends by one of us being so clearly wrong that it becomes funny that we were even trying to make a stance. Not being moody means being pretty flexible, laid back, merciful, and grace-oriented. God, in His wisdom, knew I would need someone just like that to make marriage such an enjoyable adventure.
One of my favorite movies is Good Will Hunting. In that movie, Matt Damon plays a character, Will, who has grown up with an extremely abused past childhood. He has an abnormal academic and intellectual ability in higher level math. Due to his past, he tends to destroy relationships close to him and keeps putting himself in underachieving roles. He begins to meet with a counselor, played by Robin Williams, who sees the challenge of breaking through Will’s tough exterior and self-destructive forces by slowly building trust by connecting and challenging the boundaries Will has set up with him.
Robin William’s character had lost his wife to cancer. There is a couple of particular scenes where they begin to connect on a very deep level. One is where Williams’ character begins to share about his own wife before she passed away. He refers to some of her “idiosyncracies” as being the things that he remembers most after two years of her being gone.
He says, “Those idiosyncrasies, those are the things that I miss the most. The little idiosyncrasies that only I knew about. That’s what made her my wife. She had the goods on me too. She knew all my little peccadillos. People call these things imperfections, but they’re not. That’s the good stuff. And we get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds. You’re not perfect, sport. And this girl you’ve met, she’s not perfect either. But the question is, whether or not you’re perfect for each other. That’s the whole deal. That’s what intimacy is all about.”
The little things that at first annoyed me (I've got a list) are the things we now tell stories about and laugh about with other couples. And like Robin Williams stated, that is the good stuff. And she's got her list on me too. You see, God can take two of the most messed up individuals and through His grace allow them to unite and enjoy their little idiosyncrasies. We still have many difference, very weird differences, but we've learned we can let those become interesting and allow them to let us be perfect for each other. I love that she is the furthest thing from moody.
4. SHE DESIRES “ONENESS” AND IS “ALL IN” FOR THE THINGS I LOVE—ESPECIALLY OUR BOYS:
Proverbs 19:14 “House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the LORD.”
Proverbs 31:10 “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.”
God’s command to Adam and Eve before the fall into sin that was repeated three times after the fall was “The man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they will become one flesh.”
In all the marriages I’ve performed, this is one of the key ideas we cover in their pre-marital counseling. This idea of leaving the family of origin, cleaving to the new spouse as a separate unit, and then seeing God’s blessing and spiritual melting of the couple from two individuals into His own form of “oneness” is something only God could have come up with. Becoming one flesh, this idea of beautiful oneness with another person, goes beyond the physical sexual act to the mental, emotional, and spiritual levels. Jamie understands what it means to “become one flesh” in astonishing ways. I’ve never had a day when I doubted her love or commitment to me. This is a beautiful picture of God’s grace as He melts two people together in ways only He is able to do. She knows how to gently or firmly confront me if I get out of line in my thinking or attitudes. She knows how to lovingly support when hurts come my way. She knows that I don’t really need more self-esteem, but rather gospel thinking and gospel identity to secure me when things get difficult. Like the Proverb above states, she is far greater than any material wealth. The things she brings to the table are priceless. There are some things that money cannot buy.
One of the most important aspects of this “oneness” is the way we team up in raising our children. Any weak secular survey could tell you that a father and mother who do not agree and who are divided will cause much harm to the children they are raising. Children and teens see the division. They play on the weak links between parents. They prey on the different parenting styles if those do not line up together. There are times she may have a different perspective or a different way she would have handled a situation with the boys, but she knows how to either get my attention to give me helpful input or to completely support me even if she had other ideas. This forms a deep bond of trust, respect, and support not only between the parents, but it builds a foundation of trust and respect as you’re trying to establish authority in the minds of young ones.
There are tons of other ways that she demonstrates this oneness that I, and she, never thought about before we were married. She was never into athletics or sports when she was in school, but the first year we got a tv and turned on the Sooner’s football games (or any other college football), any NFL game, the World Series, and the NBA championships—she was all in! Who would have thought? She’s jumping up screaming at the tv or player who let yet another receiver behind our Sooner’s secondary! She’s calling for defensive coordinator’s jobs. She’s screaming at managers to pull the pitcher as he’s giving up homers. And let me tell you—when Les Miles or that other team in Oklahoma get ahead of the Sooners—it’s earmuffs time for the boys! (just kidding-don’t freak out). When did she get so into these things? She says “it just happened after we were married. She wants to be with me in the things I love.” I love that Jamie is all in on oneness and the things we love together.
5. MY WIFE LOVES ANOTHER MAN—MORE THAN SHE LOVES ME:
Philippians 2: 8-11 “And being found in human form, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted Him and bestowed on Him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”
Revelation 5:9 “And they sang a new song, saying, ‘Worthy are You {Jesus} to take the scroll and to open its seals, for You were slain, and by Your blood you ransomed a people for God from every tribe and language and people and nation,”
1 John 4:10 “In this is love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.”
1 Peter 1:6-9 “In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him. Though you do not now see Him, you believe in Him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.”
These verses above point to a husband and true man that I will never get close to being. It just wasn't in the cards. These verses point to the most romantic story ever thought up and told. These verses provide wives with a kinsman-redeemer that meets all their needs and casts all comparisons completely to another fallen world. Jamie fell in love with the man these verses speak of.
Jamie loves the currently invisible God/man, Jesus, more than she will ever love me. She became captivated by Him and what He had accomplished for her on the cross while sitting at her brother’s funeral. She understood that she could either live for herself or live for Him. She had no idea what that entailed at that point or that she would eventually meet a former mullet-wearing guy from Sallisaw with a name like Sankie whom she would marry. But when I met her, about one month after that funeral, her gaze was fixed on Him.
The more she loves this Jesus—the more secure our marriage and love for one another is. The more she loves this Jesus—the more radiant her face becomes as our little boys look up at her. They will see past the time-outs, spankings, stressful moments, and impatience. They will learn another lesson—that this Jesus is worthy of your entire life.
Jamie loves Jesus more than she will ever love me. When we stand beside each other on the other side of eternity and tears of love and passion run down her face as she is captivated face-to-face with Him—there won’t be any issues of jealousy. He has all rights to her. He knew her before He created her. He is the one who created, redeemed, is sanctifying and eventually glorifying her into an eternal body and home.
A woman who is captivated by Christ will continue to surrender herself up to Him and His purposes. That means when an arrogant, selfish, prideful husband doesn’t treat her in accordance with Ephesians 5, as Christ treats His church, then she has the resources of supernatural grace, forgiveness, and mercy to deal with him. She honors me when I’m not worthy of honor. She doesn’t hold onto past hurts or keep a list of my wrongs. She forgives as Christ has forgiven her. My wife loves another man—much more than she loves me.
When Jamie and I got together, she knew that we might end up in some tribal hut in Papua, New Guinea or in a city surrounded by millions of Muslims. She knew then that I could not promise her the easiest of lives nor the most comfortable. Fifteen years later, we’re not even close to the discomforts that come in living in the majority world or in the 10/40 Window. We’re in the small minority on this earth of having extreme comforts and extreme safety. When we believed God was moving us from our former church after being there for ten years, she not only trusted, but was excited for what God would do next. This may have seemed long to you in reading this list, but this was a very short list of things I think and feel. These words cannot express what she means to me and how much more I love her on our fifteenth wedding anniversary. I love that she loves Jesus more than she will ever love me.
I love you Jamie. Thank you for joining me in this journey in life.
Sankie P. Lynch
Pastor of Families
sankie@nbchurch.info
