Healing for the crushed heart!

This is a photo-bombing family.

There is a very tragic story about a dysfunctional family in 2 Samuel 13-18. It is not hard to understand how a King’s family could become dysfunctional with all the difficult complexities. King David’s family suffered because a toxic mixture of political and military power, distasteful adultery, and conspiracy to commit murder. His multiple concubines, wives, and the resulting jealousy of half siblings created a poisonous concoction of chaos and hatred. There was not only hatred, but incestuous rape and a vengeful murder between King David’s children. It is an ugly story.

But the story gets uglier. Even after King David forgave his son, Absalom, for killing his half brother, Amnon, Absalom conspired to overthrow his father and assume place as King of Israel. This son’s wicked plan to overthrow his father includes telling lies about his father, infiltrating and poisoning the minds His father’s advisors, and building a militia to attack and kill his father. The bible says Absalom “stole the hearts of the men of Israel.” (2 Samuel 15:6)

How do you think this father responded to the revolting actions of his rebellious son? You would think that he would be angry and offended past the point of no return. Instead, King David gave his fighters strict orders not to harm his son. Even so, as the chaos of fighting often dictates, the factions battled and Absalom, King David’s son, was killed. No one wanted to approach the King because they knew how his heart would be crushed. Indeed, his heart was broken. Listen to the anguish in this father’s heart.

2 Samuel 18:29-33 The king asked, “Is the young man Absalom all right?” Ahimaaz replied, “When Joab sent the king’s servant and your servant, I saw a big disturbance, but I don’t know what it was.” 30 The king said, “Move aside and stand here.” So he stood to one side. 31 Just then the Cushite came and said, “May my lord the king hear the good news: today the Lord has delivered you from all those rising up against you!” 32 The king asked the Cushite, “Is the young man Absalom all right?” The Cushite replied, “May what has become of the young man happen to the enemies of my lord the king and to all who rise up against you with evil intent.” 33 The king was deeply moved and went up to the gate chamber and wept. As he walked, he cried, “My son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you, Absalom, my son, my son!”

Josh and I at the beach.

Three weeks ago, due to an emergency trip to California for the birth of my 2nd granddaughter, my son Josh and I had to spend Father’s day apart from one another. This was the first time that had happened in Josh’s entire life. We both detested being apart that day. I cant wait to see him at the end of this month (July, #Coufest).

I love Josh with a love that can’t be altered by behavior or circumstance. To be sure, Josh and I have had our ugly moments over the years (nothing even close to King David and Absalom). Neither of us are perfect. Josh’s biggest harms are ones that he directly inherited from me. But know this, there is nothing he has done, nothing he will ever do to cause me not to love him as much as I do. I think he feels the same way. This type of love is a redeeming Gospel-like love.

If you are disenfranchised from a parent or child, prove the power of the gospel and call them today. Life is too short and love is too deep. Forgive and move on.

Dr. Phil Sallee, Pastor
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Christmas Gone Bad!

{ This was a video I posted on Facebook during Christmas that I decided to use as a blog. See the detailed steps of failure below! }



Christmas Gone Bad! from Sankie Lynch on Vimeo.
Many people have written on how most of us usually present the “good sides” of our families. We post pictures and stories when our kids succeed or have a starring role or excel in school or sports. We also tell stories of our great parenting moments. 

I love being raw. Many of you know that. When people ask, in passing by, “How are you?” I often tell them. Which is usually more than they asked for!

I also prefer the idea that “I’m not ok. You’re not ok. Let’s be ok with that.” Instead of the alternative “I’ll act like I’ve got it all together. You act like you’ve got it all together. Let’s do that!”

Add to that the fact that I am a Pastor of Families. And I write a blog that speaks much to the issue of parenting. And I speak to many parents and teach classes on discipling your children and teaching them the ways of the Lord.

Let this encourage you and reveal we are not experts and we fail miserably in many and various ways!!

Note: (All of these events happen in less than 60 seconds—that’s how bad we are.)

1. Youngest son, Jackson, kicks it all off with a growling angst in having to open the present together. It would seem we’ve never talked to our kids at all about sharing hearts ready to give to others! Fail 1.
2. Oldest son, Sankie’s immediate idolatry over a Wii game. Some of you don’t even allow your kids to have gaming systems—especially not allowing kids to idolize them! Fail 2.
3. Middle son, Owen, ripping the Mario Sports Mix game away from younger brother. Great teamwork, humility, and concern for others than yourselves. Fail 3.
4. Youngest son again, Jack’s second turn, grabbing, slinging, and assaulting Owen with a nice shot. Most parents have talked to their children about assault and battery. Fail 4.
5. Dad (me-42 yrs old), as I see the tension mounting and know Jack’s next move, you can hear me quietly saying “Yesss!!!” in the moment of thrill…I mean disgrace. Fail 5.
6. Oldest son attempting to bring peace, calm Jack, and stop the assault—it doesn’t work. Most of you have trained your older children to help in times of crisis. Fail 6.
7. Dad again, as I passively stand back giggling while my eight year-old steps up to protect and bring peace—you can hear me say “Christmas gone bad!” Most of you are more mature and don’t fall into the four year-olds demise. Not me! I was the baby of the family also. Me and Eddie Vedder feel his angst! Fail 7.
8. Youngest son again (his 3rd entry) as he’s being hugged and comforted by his older brother—he goes into Assault and Battery II. Bold move. Fearless. We’ll see how that works out in life. Fail 8.
9. Mom and Dad together—after four year-old assaults both brothers—what is the right thing to do? Correct him? Speak to him about his selfishness? Nope. Not us. We simply make the two assaulted boys give him the idolatrous video game he was throwing a fit over. Fail 9.
10. Dad (my 3rd entry—or 4th if you give me credit for the sack on last play) turning to their grandmother who currently has brain and lung cancer, simply blaming her, “Grammy, you caused the fight.” Fail 10.
You should feel very good about yourselves. You are much better parents than we are!
I doubt anyone can beat that Christmas Parenting Fail video in less than 60 seconds?
Enjoy!

May we all (even those of us needing the most help!) enjoy much grace in 2015!

Sankie P. Lynch
www.nbchurch.info
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sankie@nbchurch.info

Encouragement: Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint

I received a phone call this past week from my oldest daughter. She wanted to thank me for some advice I had given in regard to some things she is working on with her career. I thoroughly enjoy being able to help any of my adult children at their request. It's something that I treasure more than I ever thought I would, especially now, since our children are adults and don't really "need" us parents any more.

After the conversation on the career stuff, she began to talk about her last meeting with her small group from church. She said they were having a discussion about the difference in teaching and lecturing your children. Their small group consists of young parents and I know they are all searching for how best to do this "parent thing" the Godly way. She has a two year old son and a 4 month old daughter. Below is a picture of Urijah's baby dedication, which is a great "first step" in leading their son to becoming a believer and follower of Jesus Christ.

She said, "Dad, I just want to thank you for the way you taught us and lectured us. You seemed to know how to do it in a way that got the point across, in both situations. You knew when to teach the bible and when to lecture about God's Word and you did them both in a good way, so that we "got it". She said, "we kid around with you a lot about when you used to "lecture" us and we give you a hard time about them, but they really did make a difference."

I will treasure that "thank you", for the rest of my life. I told her that it's very cool to see one of your adult children, who now is a parent herself, looking back to see how her dad parented her in this way and how she appreciated and respected it enough to want to say "thank you" for that investment. Our children don't really "see" parenting as clearly, as when they begin to parent themselves, and then, they start to see 20/20 the weight and responsibility of Christian parenting. She gets that now.

We will continue to pray for her and Brian and the rest of our adult children, that they can see just how important those "Faith Walks", ie my lectures in some cases and "Faith Talks" ie. those bible teaching times in my case, became in the life of our children, so that they now can pass those along to their children in their own way.

I just recently turned 50 years old. My oldest daughter will turn 29 in another 6 weeks or so. Those lectures and those teaching times happened over the course of 21 years or so. This was after I became a born-again Christian and saw the need and my God given responsibility to raise and to disciple my children in the Way of the Lord. It didn't happen over night. It wasn't one lecture and one teaching time and "well, I hope that does it". Christian parenting is not a sprint. There has to be time and effort spent and yet I would say that it was more of the quality of time for me, that was spent, versus the quantity of time that made the most impact. Because for all of those 21 years I was a divorced, part-time dad, who could only be with his daughters every other weekend or sometimes every third weekend as they got older. So, only because of God's grace and mercy, did He help me to guide my children under those circumstances, which is why you can see how I deeply I treasure that "thank you" from my daughter. If God can do this through me for my children, surely God can and will help guide you through your circumstances. You just need to be willing and stay the course. Just keep on trying even when you don't think it's making a difference or you aren't getting "thanked" for it. They will thank you at some point in their lives, but what IF you never received one thank you? You still have that God-given responsibility. You will still stand in front of God one day and will be held accountable for your parenting efforts.

Be intentional about the moments in your children's lives that become teaching and lecture times and do that over a long period of time. I have no doubt God will bless that investment.





Terry Langenberg
Twitter: TheLangenberg
Facebook: TheLangenberg

Does your child or student have empathy?

Parents, are you seeing a lack of empathy in your teens or young adults? What kind of culture and society would we be living in where people don't care about others or are emotionally detached? Desensitized? Is that how Jesus would want us to act toward others? It sure would make life easier to not have to worry about the poor, the homeless, the suffering, the abused, the kidnapped sex slaves, the orphans, the single parents, the widowed, the divorced, the unbelievers who need to hear the Gospel message. If this is the direction our culture is headed it makes me wonder how I will be treated by our culture as I get to retirement age. Doctors with no empathy. Nurses with no empathy. Hospital administrators with no empathy. Politicians and lawmakers with no empathy. Lawyers, judges and justices with no empathy. Can you say death panels anyone? Could that be a possibility in a culture with no empathy?

Parents and grandparents, we are raising the next generation. Check out the unintended consequences below in Tim Elmore's blog called "Teamwork and Today's Student Athlete". It touches on the topic of empathy and how it has changed dramatically in college students over the past ten years.

"As we keep our ear to the ground, we continue to hear reports that emotional intelligence—and specifically empathy—is spiraling downward among kids. The sociology department at the University of Michigan, led by Dr. William Axinn at the Population Studies Center, tells us that college students today are approximately 40% less empathetic than they were just ten years ago. That’s quite a drop. I find it strange that in a generation more connected than ever, young adults find it increasingly difficult to feel compassion toward each other. Instead, ours is a time of self-expansion, where parents condition their kid to watch out for themselves, get as much playing time as possible, and do whatever you have to do to get ahead. Although they’re playing a “team sport,” there’s less empathy for others.

Why is that?


Let me remind you of the realities in their world.
1. Screen Time
As screen time goes up, empathy goes down. Follow it. You will find that the more a student is in front of a video, computer or phone screen, their level of empathy for people drops. Cognitive understanding is at an all-time high, but to feel the pain of others emotionally may just be at an all-time low.
You’re response: Balance screen time with face-to-face time and explain it. For each hour your kids spend on a screen, they should spend equal time with people.
2. Information Overload
Between commercial messages, texts, emails, Facebook posts, Instagrams, YouTube videos, and more, a student today receives about 1,000 messages every day. It’s too much information, and as a result, students are forced to develop filters in their brains to screen out data. Sadly, content that is emotionally expensive often doesn’t make the cut.
You’re response: Talk about this reality with your students and let them “own” how they filter out unessential information in order to digest what really matters.
3. Responsible Behavior
Kids have grown up in a world where mistakes or tragedy they witness often doesn’t carry consequences. They see a friend commit a crime, or cheat on a test, but get off easy. They see people get shot on TV or on a violent video game but it doesn’t mean anything. This desensitizes kids and makes them emotionally uninvolved.
Your response: The next time a student fails, be sure they feel the consequences. It’s a reality check. Talk over the long-term, unintended price tag of failure.
4. Virtual Reality.
I’ve said this for years. Students have lots of experiences, but many are virtual. To witness something on a YouTube video that lasts two minutes and can be shut off just doesn’t enlist the emotions of a viewer. It’s a squirt of data. Herbert Simon said, “A wealth of information creates a poverty of attention.”
You’re response: Take your students to experience poverty or disease in a homeless shelter or a cancer ward. In the end, there’s nothing like “touching the real thing” to cultivate empathy.
5. Role Models.
Sometimes, students fail to develop empathy because they see a generation of adults lead with a jaded, cynical attitude. We are all wary of being taken advantage of or being conned, so we keep our guard up. Because we don’t want to be “victims,” we prevent ourselves from feeling what true victims feel.
Your response: Be intentional about talking over current events, like school shootings or victims of natural disasters, and share your feelings about them. Model empathy.

Terry Langenberg
Twitter: TheLangenberg
Facebook: TheLangenberg

Hidden Rites of Passage 2 (Little Boys)

Two proud brothers with the "king for the day!" 

There are certain “Rites of Passage” that happen spontaneously and there are some that happen that take a lot of intentional preparation and purposeful engagement. The former are, like I said, more spontaneous in nature. They pop up unexpectedly, but are great moments to seize in pointing hearts to something larger than the specific unexpected situation. 

The latter are things we, as parents, can do to point our children to a greater good, a spiritual component that the Bible clarifies as being of eternal weight and glory. Some of the more intentional “rites” can be a series of processes or events. We refer to them as “Milestones” at New Beginnings. Some of our Milestones for the parents and families in Genesis Kidz are Parent/Child Dedication, Blessings, and Cultivating Faith. 

This weekend, Jack experienced one of those rites of passage that every parent and grandparent loves watching—catching his first fish! 

Words cannot convey the amount of energy, focus, determination, precision, and frantic oversight that goes into helping three little Lynch boys with long rods in their hands wielding sharp hooks on the edge of a body of water. 

But here's the breakdown:

1. I throw out Sankie’s line first (15 ft of weeds to throw over/not good practice area) in hopes he wouldn’t reel it in quickly before I even get Owen and Javi’s bait wet. 
2. I move over 20 feet and throw in Owie’s line. Two down…one to go. But this is no ordinary third step. This is Jackson!
3. I move over 20 feet and throw in Javi’s line. 
4. Sankie has already reeled his into the weeds and is hung up as I set Javi’s handle and tell him to hold on tight, watch his bobber, and start turning the handle if it goes under. 
5. As I’m moving over to Sankie’s and start to reel his through the weeds—Jack yells, “Daddy, mine bobba went down, mine bobba went down, it’s gone!”
6. Sankie runs over to Javi and starts helping him hold the rod while Javi reels it in. I thought, there’s no way—it’s been less than a minute. 
7. Owen drops his pole to the ground and runs over also. (Not proper etiquette to drop your poles and run when someone else catches a fish!)
8. Sure enough, Javi had landed his first fish—a little perch. (He called it a whale; Owen was happy because it wasn’t a “bass mouth” like he was going to catch). 
9. We coaxed Jack into holding the line as I took their picture—until the fish flopped and then he swore “it tried to bite me, Daddy!” So he wouldn’t hold it after that until I was taking it off and let all of them touch it. 

Jack's "look of concern." It tried to BITE him--he said. 

So we’ve all heard the famous story about a guy who told his friends to cast their empty nets to the other side of the boat and they ended up damaging their nets because of the miraculous catch. Later He would tell them, “I will make you fishers of men.” 

So wouldn’t this be a great moment to get the boys attention and teach a great lesson calling them to truly think through living their lives for something larger than a single lifetime—but to instead surrender to Jesus’ command to use their lives to make disciples of all nations? Wouldn’t this be a great fit for that? 

Well, it didn’t happen that way. 

This is another tribute to good intentions that may have ended up lost in translation (and chaos!). After Jack caught his little perch, the other boys were hopping and yelling—ready and positive that they were going to catch lots of more fish in the next few minutes. I was trying to tell them to wait so I could tell them a little story—but after we let the fish go they were all  screaming, “mine first, daddy, mine first…Jack’s already caught one…mine first!” Now it was three boys with hooks and poles swinging in the air in their own attempts to get the next fish. 

So as I barely told them about Jesus’ famous story they were more captivated, at that moment, with the opportunity to catch all the fish (that was the only one we caught). You may have a spontaneous circumstance that you try to use to turn into a God Moment (Faith Walk) too. Don’t feel bad when your attempt at drawing in spiritual relevance doesn’t pan out. Keep looking for opportunities and point them to God’s gracious intervention in all manners of life—and most exceptionally His intervention through His own Son. 

So, Jack walked away with the single catch and beat all of us in fishing on that beautiful day (when the little guy finally wins in anything you let him and the others know!). But there will be other days and hopefully other fish. And I hope they do consider that God allows some of those events to remind us of something larger to live for—something of eternal weight and significance. I pray, by God’s grace that they do not deserve, they will all be captivated in becoming fishers of men no matter what they do in life. 

But on that day, I think God enjoyed allowing a three year-old to smile with excitement and  and jump up and down and give his dad a great high-five knowing he had beat us all and learned a little more about life and God’s creation in this small rite of passage. 

Sankie P. Lynch

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sankie@nbchurch.info

To React or to Respond... That is the question

My wife is not only an accomplished volleyball player but she played and coached Division 1 (Go Golden Hurricane) for many years.  Knowing this about my wife is one thing, but finding out in-person is another.  One day several years ago I made the mistake to go "play" some volleyball with her and a group of old players.  I was not too concerned upon arrival knowing I myself was a college athlete and had picked up a few things from watching friends compete in volleyball at school.  Don't get too ahead of me here!!!  It only took two solid "blocks" with my face before I really wanted to know the difference in what my wife was shouting: "You have to respond Jeff... You keep reacting!"  

To me, the average guy, I saw the hitter go up and I embraced for impact... At best I kept my eyes open and once the ball was hit tried to move my arms high enough to return the hit.  This however, is Not responding but only reacting.  What Courtney was trying to tell me was you have to read what they are wanting to do and adjust accordingly.  From years of preparation and practice she was able to determine not just who was going to hit the ball but where it would be hit once it came off the hitters hand!  She took into consideration: who was on the court, how many blockers were at the net, which way her hips were facing, what she had done several plays earlier, etc.  And so in responding she was able to "dig" or return virtually every hit by our opponents... As long as I got my face out of the way!! 

In parenting I see a perfect parallel for us think on...  

Let me paint a quick picture for you:  It's 12:27am and you've called and texted a half a dozen times but have heard nothing.  You have your spouse call your phone to make sure it is working properly.  You check the news to see if there was any big accidents and are just getting ready to text their best friend when... "I'm so sorry!!  I didn't see that you called until just now when I was walking in!!  Can I just have a second, okay third, chance"

How many times have you had this conversation?  Are you being that strict!?  All you are asking for is a simple phone call or even text if you're going to be running late, is that too much to ask!?  What if...

Do you React or Respond?

Are you prepared to respond?  I bet when you think about it you can see some common behaviors that have surfaced.  I bet you can probably guess that at some point the boundaries will be tested (and probably already have).  I bet you can even predict that some choices change depending on who they are with and what they went out to do.

"Reacting is based on emotion, which we all know is rampant when dealing with a teenager.  

We Respond to the situation when we step back from the emotion and take a moment to think through what is really going on.  It’s not easy!  Parents, the secret is out. The map to your “buttons” has been published, and your teen will push them…Repeatedly!!  But we do our own share of pushing, don’t we?  You know what makes your teenager crazy and sometimes, just sometimes, it feels really good to give them a good share of their own medicine.  At least for a moment, until we realize we have done exactly what we are trying to teach them NOT to do!" (by ParentMinistry.net)

Three quick things to consider when rewiring ourselves to Respond:

• Discipline is about Training not about Punishment... It's not just to remember the ouch but the why.  Know why you said no. If it doesn’t make sense, have the courage to retract it.  Second chances are always necessary when it comes to our teens.  Grace always gives a redo. Give yourself grace too.
• Breathing… it gives you a moment to lower your blood pressure.  The part of our teen’s brain that controls reasoning is still underdeveloped at this point.  They use a different part of the brain geared towards instinctual decisions or risk taking.  Peer pressure is a large influence in our teen’s decisions.  At this point of our teen’s development, they are trying to become independent of us.
• Develop Contracts for the major occasions (Cell Phone, Driving, etc.)  Clearly communicate the expectations and consequences, as well as, the desires of both the parent and the teenager.  Make a plan for when trust is broken, so that it can be restored allowing the relationship between parent and teenager to grow.  Agree together ahead of time how to handle the unexpected events. 

"Your teen’s personality can play a large part of how they respond to certain situations.  Some are sensitive and appear not to react outwardly.  But that doesn’t mean a thing.  Inwardly they could be screaming at you.  Some teens are passionately vocal.  They are very certain you know exactly how they feel.  They all deserve our respect and guidance.  Reacting is easy, responding isn’t.  Responding shows your teen that you love them enough to stop for a moment and make sure what you are saying or doing is based on truth and not emotion.  Reacting can be a really selfish act.  We want to get our point across at all costs.  Sometimes the cost is just a little too high.  It can cost the trust our teens have in us.  Can your teen trust that you will respond and not react to any given situation.  Have the courage to ask your teen if you respond or react and then give them permission to tell you how they wish you would handle these situations.  It takes a brave and humble parent to realize that before we can teach our teens this concept maybe we should learn it for ourselves!" (by ParentMinistry.net)

For some of us resolving conflict in a healthy way is difficult because of our own baggage growing up.  Perhaps you were raised in a home that had a “take no prisoners” mentality when it came to conflict.  Win at all costs was the name of the game.  You learned early on that your job was to watch your own back, defend yourself, and never back down... But if you are willing to develop new habits and value loving more than being declared right, then your whole family wins!!

May we strive to 'be' before we 'do'... May we love and forgive the way You love and forgive... May we be so blessed to have hope for tomorrow... May our kids feel and know the love we have for them... May we always point them back to You!!  

The Bergs

**Follow Jeff (Family Pastor of High School), also known as "surgeberg" on: Facebook, Twitter & Instagram

Just another story...

The following takes place between 4:00p and 5:00p... events occur in real time 

(Don't know that reference, not only did I just shed a tear, you need to click on this link):

"How was school" I said like every other day when picking up the kids.  "Great, I had a good day" said the oldest with a grin.  "That's awesome, how about you baby?"  "Goooood..." she said while continuing to color on the work of art she had started while waiting in the gym.  "You know what I think would be awesome, we should go get slushies," I said.  "Why?" exclaimed both big kids in unison but a squeal of joy from the youngest.  "Because it's Thursday!" I said with a smirk.  "That doesn't make sense," comments the oldest.  "I just want to bless my beautiful family," I responded. 

9 minutes later... 

"What do you guys want to drink?" I said, expecting a quick response but not prepared for what was to follow.  "Do we have to get a slushie?" asked one.  "What flavors are there" responded another, I guess assuming they changed from the last time we came.  "RED Flushie!!!" shouted the youngest, with confidence.  "No...Tons...Got it!" I said, knowing full well they wouldn't know what I was talking about.  "So Dad, can I get ice-cream with oreos?" asked the oldest.  "Yes sir, thanks for asking buddy!" I said.  "I want what I got last time" commented the middle.  "Alright cool..." extending finger to push the button.  "WAAAAAIT... I WANT TO PUSH THE BUTTON" all three said in a mashing of words.  "I'm going to push it and make the order this time, if that's okay?" I said, secretly praying this would save us from an inevitable fight and noticing we missed 'Happy-Hour' by literally a minute.

12 minutes later...

"DAD!!  This is taking forever" complained the oldest, "You should push the button again and complain."  "Yes, God I'll take that set-up," I thought to myself.  "Buddy what did you do for your drink?"  Looking puzzled, he responded with a solid "Huh!?"  Giving it another shot, I continued: "Are you using your money to buy your snack?  Are you inside making it in the blender?  How long would it take you to make it and then clean-up your mess?"  "Hours!!" he said, I think expecting a laugh.  "Exactly, so shouldn't we just be patient and thankful for this blessing and not angry it's taking longer than we thought?"  "Yes," said muffled since his head was now rested on his arms.  "I'm waiting pashantly Daddy" said the youngest with enthusiasm.  "Thanks baby-girl," trying not to smile too big to anger the oldest yet noticing the masterpiece of art the middle was diligently still working on. 

6 more minutes later...

"Okay.... Dad, you have to admit this is getting ridiculous," extending arms to the ceiling for full effect. "Buddy, it's all good."  "Have you paid already with your card, if not we could just go," he said.  Stunned a little by his observation to the payment method I responded, "I did pay and I think this is a good lesson in pa....."  KNOCK KNOCK, "I've got a small cherry slush, a small strawberry slush and..... I'm sorry, I think that was supposed to be a small sonic blast with oreo, so I'm sorry about that,"  as the server hands me a LARGE blast with oreo.  With a smile exploding his face, the oldest sat in anticipation of his gift directly from the gods!  "Also," said the car hop "here are some tokens for some free limeades the next time you are in, we are so sorry about your wait."  "Thank you," I responded excited about this incredible moment to teach a life lesson.  "Now buddy... though you did nothing for it and even were impatient while waiting for what you felt you deserved, you were given something even better than you thought... Do you really deserve this?"  With his smile faded his arm met the ice-cream with a solid stiff-arm explaining: "I don't deserve it."  "Are you sure," I said not only surprised but frustrated that this massive blast was now melting and going to waste.  "Yes," he said.  Unknowing what to say, I spouted: "It's okay to eat your snack, in fact, I think you should or you'll be wasting money now."  Yes, I blew it!!  "DAD...DAD...DADDY... HELP!!!!!" exclaimed while the middle handed a slush that drained on her, me, the seats, my phone until I could get it out the window, all the while not hitting oncoming cars.  "WAIT, DON'T THROW IT OUT" yelled the youngest, whose apparent drink it was after sticking her straw through the bottom.  "Never again," I thought to myself now holding a broken cup out the window, sticking to everything and I think headed in the right direction for home!!

After days of distance from the incident, and counseling, here's a couple thoughts:

• Faith Walks happen when we are looking for them
• Faith Walks aren't always successful (or so we think)
• Faith Walks only take moments of our time but will be remembered forever
• Faith Walks can teach us just as much as our kids

P.S. My oldest did end up eating part of his ice-cream after sharing it with others.  And thanked God for "getting to go to Sonic and getting a bigger blast than I ordered when I didn't deserve it" when he prayed that night before bed.

May we live each day to the fullest... May we look for ways to bless our kids with Biblical life lessons... May we pass our faith and discipline on to our children... May Your Spirit give us direction in leading others... May Your Son continue to save us each morning... May we never forget the sacrifice You made so we could receive a blessing even better than we thought we deserved!!

The Bergs

**Follow Jeff (Family Pastor of High School), also known as "surgeberg" on: Facebook, Twitter & Instagram

Hidden Rites of Passage (Little Boys)

It was a beautiful spring day. A light cool breeze, but you could feel the heat of the sun on your skin and after a seemingly long winter it was nice. A whole group of little boys in a makeshift field for baseball practice. My oldest son, Sankie, was one of the boys moving from t-ball to coach-pitch baseball.

One of the coaches was throwing balls high in the air so they could practice getting under it to field pop-fly balls…and then it happens. 

Baseball is a game of inches and sometimes that glove being an inch out of place is the difference between a catch and getting hit square in the nose. Sankie’s glove was in the latter position. He got hit pretty hard by the ball right in the face. I was standing over at first base helping to grab balls that got past the first baseman and he was in right field about thirty yards away. I saw it hit him and immediately the coach ran over to him. It’s those first little silent seconds after an injury that become interesting. It seems eerily quiet. How bad is it? Did it do something really bad? Is there blood? Are they really injured? 

I stood there watching to see if he was going to come running over to me or would he allow the pain to subside in a few seconds and go back and get in line so the other boys could check out his red, swollen face? These are the little rites of passage that grow us. Everyone wants to run to mom or dad when there is unexpected pain. But as children get older, they begin to learn that mom and dad really can’t change the pain inflicted, they can merely be there present with them in the middle of it. 

Sankie stood there with the coach rubbing his head and checking out his face for about twenty seconds. I could tell he was dying to come over to me, but he was also trying to hold back the tears and hold in the cries. He took it well. The coach said “Man, what a tough guy! You’re alright. You’re gonna be okay!” He said some words that MUST come from a dad, but MUST also be affirmed and confirmed by other men around their lives. 

As a dad, I cannot fail to affirm and confirm his steps in becoming a young man. We cannot sit in passivity allowing them to “find their own way.” We must lead them spiritually, emotionally, physically, and even culturally. We must be honest with them and guide them to know there are dangerous waters ahead, but there is no need to fear. They can become the type of Christ-follower who takes hurts and trials in this life, while enduring temptation, because of what Christ has already done on our behalf. 

After practice, he came running over to show me what had happened. And now, the embarrassment or fear had given way to almost prideful accounts of his injury. I told him I saw it happen. I told him it's probably going to happen several times in baseball--and maybe even harder. But I also told him I was proud of how he got right back in there and was pretty tough. He needs to hear that from me on lots of occasions. He needs to hear that from other boys and other men also. Next year, it may not be baseball, it may be a musical instrument he's trying to learn or it may be some difficulty in academics. It may be that his growing desire for more autonomy needs to be met with gospel humility--which is much more painful than a ball in the shins or missing a few notes on an instrument. 

At New Beginnings, we’re trying to create environments where parents engage in leading their children spiritually. Some of that happens through parent-equipping classes, but most of it is just trial and error as parents start to lead their children in Faith Talks, Faith Walks, and Faith Mission. We also have a NB Faith Map with specific milestones during certain periods of a child’s life where we want to emphasize to parents, children, and teens some specific areas of intentional maturity. Many of these serve as rites of passage as they grow and mature both physically and spiritually. Again, these are very intentional planned “Milestones” that will include an event for emphasis and training. But we don't look over the daily spontaneous moments to point them to a higher calling in life. Who else is going to do that? 

There are other “rites of passage” as children continue to grow and mature that aren’t necessarily spiritual milestones. For some that may be riding a bike with no training wheels or graduating from Kindergarten to 1st grade. For Sankie this week, it was taking a baseball in the face and getting back up from it with others watching. He's not great because he didn't cry much and because he got back up and played immediately. This isn't a story about making "tough boys" more manly. It's a story about a parent being close enough to rush in when hurt is involved, but waiting to see how they handle the hurt--and then being intentional about engaging in conversation with them about that immediate hurt and how to deal with thousands of other hurts that will come their way. 

Our job as parents is NOT to keep them protected from any and all possible pain and suffering in life. Although, that is a popular thought for many parents. Our job is to prepare them for the difficult path of life in being able to handle it when it does come. We cannot bubble-wrap them so that all the evils of this world will never touch them. This isolationist attempt usually shows it's weakness immediately after their 18th birthday. Instead, we teach and prepare their minds for the path that is knowingly filled with hurtful evils and try to lead them to know how to navigate that path. They will make mistakes. They will fall many times. We must point them to continually looking to the gospel after their fall--because it is the "great news" that overcomes the painful, "bad news" they will encounter in life. And we must train them to learn to look to the beauty of the gospel before falling into sin--so they may enjoy the pursuit of Christ and His Kingdom. They will definitely get hurt in this life. But in God's economy, avoiding hurt never seemed to be part of the deal. We need to point them to the sovereign, present, ever-sufficient Person of Jesus Christ as the all-satisfying refuge in the middle of suffering and hurt. 

Sankie P. Lynch

www.nbchurch.info

www.nbfamilies.info

sankie@nbchurch.info

Don't Stop... Start!!

Two weeks ago I had finally had it.  I have now been "retired" from football for over a decade yet my eating habits had never changed.  Over the years I was able to stay fairly active and thus keep that weight down to some what 'in control.'  However, these past few years have really gotten the best of me... Kids, Work, Blah, Blah, Blah and I when I finally got on the scale it was appalling (and for the sake of accountability, I'll just tell you: 263lbs!!).  

For years I have known it was a problem and even knew it was dangerous for future living.  Though at times I have dropped weight it was never a change in my lifestyle just a diet.  But before you stop reading thinking this is about weight loss give me a few more sentences.  I read an article this week that made me angry!  I didn't get angry because it was "spinning the facts" or because it was about some poor kids in a far off country... I was angry because it was calling me out!!

"They observed 55 caregivers eating with at least one child in fast-food restaurants. Forty of those caregivers used a mobile device during the meal... primary focus of the caregiver’s attention and engagement was with the device rather than the child...Caregivers absorbed in devices frequently ignored the child’s behavior for a while and then reacted with a scolding tone of voice" Read more from the article here

Ouch!!  I don't know if I'm alone on this (according to the article I am not) but this one hit close to home.  BUT... I only check a couple e-mails at dinner or return that important text, I really wanted to show my wife something funny I saw or finish my highest score ever on Doodle Jump (that was for Phil & Sankie), I'll just turn the ringer off, what if it's an emergency... Bottom line:  I've known it was an issue for some time!!  Like my eating habits combined with my lack of exercise and time, it was taking it's toll.  After taking some time to think about it I came across this article: Be an Involved Father (by Carey Casey).  What I loved about it was not only the ideas but that it wasn't about "stopping the phone use."  In the same way diets hardly work, just dropping my phone for the next 30-days wasn't going to fix the bigger issue.  It has to be a lifestyle change or you will simply revert back to life after the "diet" is over!!

Here are the great suggestions from the article (and there are a bunch more from the comments):    

1. Reading. This can be a time of closeness, sharing new ideas and making your child feel special. It’s an especially great way to end the day.
2. Mealtime. Don’t stop at traditional dinners; picnics, carryout pizza or Sunday brunch can add to the togetherness. Maybe it’s time to get out that old fondue pot you got as a wedding gift twenty years ago.
3. Physical affection. When you walk in the door after work, make sure you get hugs from everyone—and that means everyone. (Even if you have to hunt them down in the basement or back yard.)
4. Playing games. What better way to encourage your kids’ imagination, physical and mental prowess, and a healthy spirit of competition? That includes peek-a-boo with an infant, whiffle ball in the back yard or a family chess tournament.
5. Chores and errands. Everyday chores help a child define his place in the family, give him an opportunity to contribute, and provide another opportunity to spend time together. And those day-to-day trips to the store can become priceless times with Dad.
6. Cooking. Get the whole family working on a meal, and then enjoy the results.
7. Taking pictures. Family photographs are a great way to mark and then remember events for years to come. Some kids dread it when the camera comes out, but strive to make it fun; see who can do the most hilarious things in front of a camera.
8. Storytelling. Looking through old photos and videos can lead to some great stories about your youth, your parents and grandparents. Or tell your kids a made-up story where they’re one of the characters. (Or read a story together.)
9. Family outings. This can be a drive into the country to see the cows or a full-blown vacation to Yellowstone. Don’t get so caught up in the destination that you forget to enjoy the trip. And remember, a low-budget camping weekend can mean more to your kids than a trip to Hawaii.
10. Spiritual activities. Praying together, attending church, and family devotions can become unique and priceless rituals. Also, find ways to put it into action—like organizing the family to volunteer somewhere or gather clothes for a homeless shelter.

Big picture moment: 
The point isn't "STOP using the phone" but "START being a dad"!!

Update on the "family" side: My family and I had a wonderful mini-vacation this week in Oklahoma City... I don't always get it right but I did turn the phone off for two days and fished, played in a pool, went to a museum, cuddled, saw grandparents, ran around a playground... It was amazing!!  I hope you can find some time to do the same this spring!!

Update on the "diet" side: Court & I are entered to run a Spartan Beast, November 1st in the Dallas area.  If you are brave enough, we would love to see you there... Sign up here!!  Our team name is "With This or Upon This!"  For you history buffs, this is what spartan women and parents told their soldiers before heading off to battle (Come back victorious or die trying).  We're not crazy... It just has to be more than a diet!! 

May we see the opportunities in front of us to love our kids well... May we see the importance in today and not wait until tomorrow... May we love like You first loved us, unconditionally... May we watch our anger and give grace & mercy as much as You have with us... May we be quick to listen and slow to speak... May we be saved by your gospel each day... May we be your hands and feet on Earth!!

The Bergs

**Follow Jeff (Family Pastor of High School), also known as "surgeberg" on: Facebook, Twitter & Instagram