How to Raise the Perfectly Selfish or Selfless Child

A favorite picture of our kids (Left to Right: Jill, Josh, & Julie)
Incidentally, they are on a bus during a mission trip to Mexico

Two weeks ago I started a blog theme that asked the question, “Which way is the right way to raise our children?” I would like to recommend that you read the blog post about starting with the Gospel in raising your children.

We agreed that each of our children are unique individuals with distinctive needs and strengths. We also agreed that each child has a unique design that could thrive in the right situation or dive in the wrong situation. Finally, we agreed that if parents would learn to identify and avoid the extremes in parenting (enmeshed smothering versus disengaged ignoring) and live out the gospel in our families, then God can guide us through the travails of raising children in a chaotic culture and transform our characters through the power of the gospel (Romans 1:16-17).

I promised two weeks ago that I would attempt to bring some proven experience and a fresh perspective about how to raise children into adulthood the right way.

Today, and next Friday, we will examine a proven method for addressing selfishness though acts of service.

Like their parents, children are not naturally born with a inclination to serve. Parents, especially mothers, rightfully serve the needs of their infants by doing everything for them (feeding, burping, changing, dressing, etc.). If it were not so typical, we would all find the scenario of a child, too young to speak, squawking orders to their parents humorous.

• Baby squawks! (Interpretation: “I have a dirty diaper and I’m going to need some help here”)
• Junior shrieks! (Interpretation: “I’m hungry and I’m not going to be eating any strained vegetables today”)
• Infant yelps! (Interpretation: “I want gold fish crackers now! Not when you have time”)
• Little tot screams! (Interpretation: “I’m tired and grumpy and there’s nothing you can do to make me happy”)

Humans, you and me and our offspring, naturally come into this world learning, “The people in my life are here to serve me.” I remember unintentionally becoming the “pack-mule” dedicated to hauling a huge and heavy bag crammed full of all the things we might need for the squawking baby at a moments notice. My job was to shoulder the carrier designed to satisfy the impulses and cravings of the squawking one(s) (pacifier, diapers, wipes, crackers, juice, blanket, transitional love object, books, toys, etc.).

Moreover, now each infant has a “transportation system,” which consists of a car seat, stroller, and a matching baby carrier. It is similar to the transportation system of the Egyptian pharaoh’s chariots or carrying chair (called “Ceremonial Litters” they consisted of a canopy covered armchair. An honor vied for by princes and nobles). Because of our fallen nature and the pursuit of our parents to keep us satisfied we each develop an appetite toward selfishness. It is our basic selfish impulse to be served and not to serve one another. We eventually learn how to serve ourselves, but serving others is counterintuitive to who we are as selfish human beings.

Josh Sallee in Mexico con dos amigos.

• So what needs to be done to intentionally direct ourselves and our children away from selfishness?
• Is there anything we can do to lead our families to become servants like Jesus?
• We need to do more than just fill our children’s minds with lots of data about God and the Bible.
• We need to give them opportunities to express what the bible is teaching.
• We need to match their/our experiences of faith with practical actions.
• We need to match knowledge that they’re learning about value, character, and honor and integrity with the honor and privilege of working out their faith (Philippians 2:12-13).
• We need to be intentional about this because we will always fight the temptation to make our children into "head-and-not-heart" Christians.

If Westernized consumer Christians are not careful they will allow the culture to dupe them into believing that all Christian service is to be done outside of the home (Mission trips, volunteer work, soup kitchens, poverty assistance, etc.). The reality is that a genuine Christian culture of service must start in the home. Creating a culture of selfless service is a significant feature of becoming vibrant disciples.

Michelle Anthony in her book, “Spiritual Parenting" recommends that parents work at creating an ”Environment of Service.” She recommends that we make the following changes to create this environment of service.

1. Teach your children to ask the question: What needs to be done?

   Dr. Anthony suggests that this is one of the best questions you can teach your children to ask. How would things change in your home if each parent and child would learn to, first intentionally, then instinctively walk into any room, situation, or relationship and ask, “What needs to be done?” This question will create a mindset that will change the way they see their world. They/we will become a Holy Spirit led, sensitive and responsible disciple who has decided to intentionally be involved in the solution instead of someone who can only identify the problem, thereby becoming a part of the problem.

2. Use the phrase “acts of service” rather than chores.

   Chores are defined as routine or minor duties or tasks. Ongoing tasks, such as laundry or bed-making, can seem mundane and obligatory. If accomplishing specific chores are linked to receiving a weekly allowance, then, the motivation for doing the right thing is lost and turned into a lesson on consumerism. Children will quickly learn that they can skip their chores (typically using passive aggressive measures like forgetting the chore, doing a poor job, or waiting too long) and receive parental favors without fulfilling their task. Selfishness is rooted, fertilized, watered, and blossoming into lazy entitled consumerism.

   Michelle Anthony says,

   Godly disciple-making parents model at home what it looks like to live in this world as Christ-followers. So, if families have chores at home in a place that’s supposed to be a testing ground for all of life, then their children may see serving others as an obligatory chore when they’re out in the world. What we are really doing is serving our family by seeing our family as interdependent and seeing ourselves as participants in the family.

   “The reality is that my children give me tremendous pushback about serving our family, just as I am sure yours will. But as spiritual parents we are choosing to live this way because it’s a daily reminder to them of what their true calling is—not only in our home but in life. This is their calling from God.” Spiritual Parenting, Page 104

We will discuss two more important steps for creating a culture or environment of service next week.

Mark 8:34-35; Romans 12:1-3; Philippians 2:3-4; Romans 12:4-8

Dr. Phil Sallee, Pastor
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