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| This is a form of worship--but not the kind we want for them. |
How do you teach your kids that obedience is good and that rules are there for their good--while at the same time keeping them from putting faith in morals, obedience and rule-keeping?
How do you protect your children from BOTH the deadness of legalism and the debauchery of rebellion?
How does a 7 year-old draw the line between true worship and subtle idolatry?
This past Wednesday night, as we’re all headed to the car after church, my oldest son Sankie began to complain over and over again about not getting the Kidz Cash he earned for bringing his Bible that night. I told him I would make sure he got what he had earned for bringing his Bible. He kept reminding me that he had done what he was told to do--but did not get the reward he was promised. On and on it went. Let me explain a little about this scenario.
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| On the left is our Kidz Cash Store |
Our church (nbchurch.info) has many great blessings for our children. One of those is a thing we call “Kidz Cash.” Kids “earn” Kidz Cash for all sorts of things including winning games, bringing their Bibles, focused participation, learning memory verses, reciting books of the Bible, etc. They save up Kidz Cash to be able to go to the Kidz Cash Store. This idea, I’m guessing, was adapted from the idea of Chuck E. Cheese and Incredible Pizza--(otherwise known as Parent’s Purgatory). At the store, they are able to trade their earned Kidz Cash for little toys and trinkets, all Christ-centered of course (for those of you elder-brother types already judging the idea). It is amazing to see how this really motivates the kids to participate, bring their Bibles, memorize verses, etc.
Sankie is the true elder brother type. He brings his Bible each week. That means he gets Kidz Cash for bringing it. He also really enjoys learning the books of the Bible and being able to find the verses we’re studying and reading it in his own little Bible. Did you get that? He likes rule-keeping. Bring your Bible--checkmark. Learn books of the Bible--checkmark. Find the Scripture reference--checkmark. Memorize it--checkmark. Stand proudly and recite the verse--checkmark. Meet parents and teachers approval--checkmark. And if not guided correctly--he may begin to think and live life in the paradigm that God will accept him based on those same behaviors and many more. Before long, a heart of pride and self-righteousness is being formed based on what he does instead of a heart of humility and awe at what Christ has done on his behalf that enables him to enjoy his Bible.
What is a little person learning in that process? Hopefully, he is learning that these things are all good if used for the purpose of growing in knowledge of God, salvation, and further Christ-likeness. But as parents, we need to help them to think through why they are doing what they are doing. I don’t want to proudly stand back and watch as my son keeps all the rules and impresses all the other adults with outward obedience. Those rules and actions DO NOT mean his heart is being captivated by Christ. I want to see a heart that is broken by the horrors of sin with the type of Godly sorrow that leads to repentance. I want to see deeper humility developed and a compassion for others instead of a focus on himself. What’s difficult is those are things I’m wanting to see further developed in me at 40 and I know how hard it can be.
Jesus spoke to a group divided over this issue: on one side He had a group of rough-edged messy people--on the other side He had a group of morally upstanding, clean-living people.
The Parable of the Prodigal God (Luke 15) is the famous story of the younger son who takes and wastes all his father’s inheritance on licentious living. After realizing his sin and betrayal against his father, he returns to meet his father running and embracing him before he even has the chance to confess all his wrong-doing. Great picture, right! This father represents the gracious and merciful heavenly Father who is calling all wild, rebellious, rule-breaking people back home. No matter how bad you’ve blown it--God’s grace is greater than your sin.
Many times the story in Sunday school lessons ends there. But what about the other son in the story--the elder son?
Jesus actually decided to tell this parable because of the different types of people gathered around Him. He read the thoughts of one group of people who were the rule-keepers. They never considered themselves as anything other than “good.” They’re saying, “This man welcomes sinners and even eats with them” (Luke 15:2). Jesus creates the character of the older brother for those in that crowd. The older brother in the story hears that his father has welcomed his younger brother back into the family even though he had rejected the family and broken all of the father’s rules of morality.
The older brother refuses to go into the feast of celebration over his brother’s repentance and return. Instead, we hear him screaming words of anger and resentment at his father, “Look, all these years I’ve been slaving for you and I have never broken any of your commands...” (Luke 15:29). We clearly see the indignant self-righteousness in this resentful heart. This elder brother compares his moral list to his younger brothers and determines he is more worthy as a son--yet fires allegations at his father.
For the father, he thought that the end-goal was communion and belonging to the family. But the elder brother reveals that the end-goal for him was his own elevated, self-merited position.
So the amazing point of the story is that the merciful heavenly Father is not only calling those wild younger brother types to repentance because they are far from Him--but the loving heavenly Father is also calling those rule-keeping elder brother types to repentance because they are far from Him as well. Neither the wild rebellious nor the approval-seeking perfectionists can earn their way to the Father. Christ alone and His cross is the only hope.
How does that fit in with parenting my three boys and particularly a 7 year-old demanding his reward for outward obedience?
First, I wanted to help Sankie to see that the whole point of bringing his Bible was not to earn Kidz Cash--but to actually learn about following Jesus. And part of following Jesus means honoring and respecting your parents (Ex. 19; Eph. 6:1). I asked him which one God was more pleased with: a little boy screaming at his father because he had brought his Bible to church and didn’t get his Kidz Cash or a little boy who was honoring and respecting his dad and learning to live by the Bible? He didn’t like it at first, but about ten minutes later he came humbly apologizing and said he knew which one God wanted to see in us.
Second, I’m learning to trust God with their personality bents as I continue to shepherd their hearts (not merely behaviors) towards greater passions--eventually one holy passion.
For Sankie (elder brother type) I want him to know we appreciate his learning to obey and to submit to the authorities over him--which will hopefully help in training his heart to submit ultimately to God as his true authority. But we have to be careful not to allow his bent for approval through rule-keeping to crossover and confuse him in thinking that God’s favor is something earned. He needs beautiful freeing grace for a legalistic little heart.
For Owen (younger brother type) I want him to know the dangers of rebellion. He needs to learn to appreciate God’s law as a truly good thing--because those bent to rebellion see rules as stifling and confining. But we have to be careful not to allow his bent for rule-breaking to allow him to think that God only loves rule-keepers. He needs the amazing grace that captivates hearts bent with strong burning passions.
For Jackson...well, the jury is still out on him. All three of our boys have extremely strong passions. The object of their passion changes about every sixty seconds. That’s normal for young kids. Our job as parents is to help guide those strong rivers in their hearts towards the worthy object of all passions--Jesus Christ! That takes continual and perpetual evaluation and communication as well as remembering there is no quick fix--this is a process.
Sankie P. Lynch
Sankie P. Lynch
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