God has designed the family to be the channel to pass on His plan for redemption to the next generation (Genesis 12:1-3; Psalm 78:3-8). NBFamilies are working to discover providential opportunities where - traditional parents, single parents, grand parents, step parents, foster parents - can experience God’s life changing presence in their homes.
Let this sink in:
- Our kid’s hearts are being shaped by observing our marriages.
- Our kid’s faith is being influenced by observing how we treat each other as husband and wife.
- Our kid’s faith, their ability to trust, their sense of safety and security, is either being bolstered or being destroyed every day, as they watch us.
- Since marriage is a metaphor for God’s love for His church, (Ephesians 5:25-32) what are our kids learning as they study how we relate to one another?
Our kids observe how we speak to each other. They also evaluate how invested their parents are in one another, based upon how they perceive they communicate. Communication, especially in marriage, is so important that it is frequently addressed in Scripture. Read these passages to be reminded that the Bible extols the value of communication.
- Proverbs 18:13;
- Proverbs 29:11;
- Proverbs 12:18;
- Ephesians 4:24-27;
- James 1:19
- Week #1: - Our Kids Study Us!
- Week #2 - Don’t Raise Your Voice With Me!
- Week #3 - Don’t Shut Me Out!
- Week #4 - Befriending My Spouse
- Week #5 - 10 Tips for a Successful Conversation
- Week #6 – “Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones,” but a Lack of Intimacy Will Hurt Me Too!
- Message Confusion: Message Confusion occurs when there is confusion between the verbal content and the nonverbal cue. (sighing, eye rolling, arm crossing, lips pursed, forehead wrinkled, etc.).
- Physical Distractions: Physical Distractions are those tangible, material issues that prohibit communication from being successfully transmitted.
- Health Issues:
- Speech Problems: .
- Fatigue:
- Noise in the Environment: Noise in the environment has become an aggressively significant factor in destroying effective communication. Digital technology can cause spouses to be distracted by hundreds of channels - CNN, FOX, MSNBC - 24 hour news, ESPN 24 hour sports, movies on demand, Hulu, Netflix, Apple TV. No one would have imagined that people would be carrying around an electronic instrument in their purses and pockets that can:
- Stream video content (YouTube).
- Send private text messages.
- Receive private social media requests (Facebook, ).
- Search for and troll former romantic interests
- View pornography.
- Read news information.
- Play fantasy sports games with friends.
- Play hundreds of video games.
- Write and read email.
- View and send photographs
- Modify photographs so that they will look their best.
- Enroll privately in dating websites and flirt with and entertain conversations with other “singles.”
- Etc. etc. etc,
- Beliefs and expectations:Research has demonstrated that human beings have an inconceivable propensity to see in others what they believe and expect to see. We are not aware that we are influencing others’ behaviors, either positive or negative, by our own beliefs and expectations. Married people can significantly enhance satisfaction or dissatisfaction depending upon their beliefs and expectations of the one to whom they are married.
- Communication Styles: There are several types of communication styles (talkative/quiet; wordy/silent; expressive/unemotional; loud/soft; direct/indirect, etc.) In most cultures, communication styles follow gender patterns. Here are two important rules about Communication Styles:
- Different styles which are left misunderstood can lead to irritation or to miscommunication.
- Tolerance and patience for your spouse’s unique communication style is absolutely essential.
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- Self protection: Over time, both spouses begin to collect memories of negative responses from their spouse (leaving the toilet seat up, squeezing the toothpaste in the middle of the tube, leaving out dirty dishes, missing important dates, being late to appointments, etc.). The natural response to experiencing a negative response from your spouse is to protect yourself from experiencing more negative responses. Both spouses begin to veil their comments with less direct or descriptive comments. However, when remarks are made that are hidden behind the mask of self protection, real concerns and feelings are covered up. Out of a fear of rejection, both spouses will not directly address genuine concerns and thoughts. Messages are sent in such a way to protect ourselves from hurt and rejection.
Examples?
Incomplete and inadequate questions that spouses often ask like: “Busy?” “Tired?” “Still working?” “Going to be late?” may be veiled inquiries because the questioner may be protecting him or her self from rejection. Transparency is the pathway to authenticity and genuine intimacy. Yet, when either spouse hides themselves out of fear of rejection, transparency, authenticity, and intimacy are sacrificed due to fear and past refusals.
A husband will ask: “Are you hungry?” When he is really desires to say, “I don’t feel like I am spending enough time with you and I wish we could enjoy a meal together."
A wife will ask: “When are you getting home?” When she is really desires to say, “I want to have enough time to have myself and our home ready to enjoy some time together tonight."
A husband will snarl: “Are you still on Facebook?” When he is really desires to say, “I am jealous of the time enjoy on social media. I wish we enjoyed time together like we once did.”
A wife will ask: “Do you want the remote control?” When she really desires to say, “I want us to enjoy a nice conversation and feel close to you, but if you would rather watch TV, I will find something else to do.”
- Hidden Issues: Hidden issues are often the real issue in many discussions though they are never discussed. Hidden issues become obstacles to communication making it very difficult for spouses to understand each other.
- Hidden issues may be triggered by an innocent action of the spouse or kids.
- Hidden issues may be hidden out of shame and fear.
- Hidden issues may stem from an intense desire for acceptance and love.
- Hidden issues may be issues of which individuals are unaware – hidden, even from themselves.
Our responses to one another, especially in the hidden issues, must be graceful and gospel centered:
- Mistakes are made,
- Grace is offered,
- Forgiveness is experienced,
- Repentance causes change and
- Mercy is enjoyed!
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| Dr. Phil Sallee, Pastor twitter.com/philsallee facebook.com/phil.sallee philsallee.info nbchurch.info nbfamilies.info |
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