God has designed the family to be the channel to pass on His plan for redemption to the next generation (Genesis 12:1-3; Psalm 78:3-8). NBFamilies are working to discover providential opportunities where - traditional parents, single parents, grand parents, step parents, foster parents - can experience God’s life changing presence in their homes.
Let this sink in:
- Our kid’s hearts are being shaped by observing our marriages.
- Our kid’s faith is being influenced by observing how we treat each other as husband and wife.
- Our kid’s faith, their ability to trust, their sense of safety and security, is either being bolstered or being destroyed every day, as they watch us.
- Since marriage is a metaphor for God’s love for His church, (Ephesians 5:25-32) what are our kids learning as they study how we relate to one another?
Our kids observe how we speak to each other. They also evaluate how invested their parents are in one another, based upon how they perceive they communicate. Communication, especially in marriage, is so important that it is frequently addressed in Scripture. Read these passages to be reminded that the Bible extols the value of communication.
- Proverbs 18:13;
- Proverbs 29:11;
- Proverbs 12:18;
- Ephesians 4:24-27;
- James 1:19
- Week #1: - Our Kids Study Us!
- Week #2 - Don’t Raise Your Voice With Me!
- Week #3 - Don’t Shut Me Out!
- Week #4 - Befriending My Spouse
- Week #5 - 10 Tips for a Successful Conversation
- Week #6 – “Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones,” but a Lack of Intimacy Will Hurt Me Too!
NEW CONTENT
The bible expresses the highest value of exchanging truth and ideas. Successful communication between couples provides a solid foundation for long-term satisfaction and mutual nurture in marriage. Yet, as simple as it sounds, communicating so often misses its intended mark. When there are cracks in the communication foundation there will always be “settling,” and in most marriage scenarios, complete collapse. Spouses can attempt to communicate and then be completely misunderstood. One spouse expresses a message, they believe that they have communicated successfully, but the hearer will hear something else. In the next 2 weeks, we will uncover 7 reasons why communication can be unsuccessful. Today will investigate only 3 of the 7. Read each one of these and give yourself a simple score (1 = I struggle with this habit & 5 = This is not a problem for me). If you score each bad communication habit, then you will know what you need to do to improve your communication. I would be a good idea for you to tell your spouse what you are learning about your personal bad communication habits and apologize if necessary. However, BE WARNED. It is dangerous, if you have bad communication habits, to blame your spouse. Accusing your spouse of being guilty and responsibility for unsuccessful communication, even though there will be some truth to the accusation, is a bad idea. You will be met with defensiveness, excuses, and withdrawal or stone-walling. Perhaps you could encourage your spouse to read this for themselves and do their own personal evaluation.
- Message Confusion: Message Confusion occurs when there is confusion between the verbal content and the nonverbal cue. There is more than one way to communicate. Spouses successfully use nonverbal means of communicating all the time. Nonverbal communication can convey positive themes like love, affection, admiration, respect, and desire (smile, wink, nod, eyebrows raised, etc.) Nonverbal communication can also convey negative themes like anger, disinterest, frustration, disrespect, and repulsion (sighing, eye rolling, arm crossing, lips pursed, forehead wrinkled, etc.).
Message Confusion occurs when the two types of communication (verbal & nonverbal) appear to disagree.
- Verbal Content: Verbal Content is the exact subject matter of the words. Words are to have a precise meaning. When the actual words are expressed, as if they were typed out, the verbal material is the actual content.
- Non-verbal Cues: Non-verbal Cues express the emotional tone of the statement. Feelings and intent may be implied, hidden, or clearly stated by non-verbal style.
If there is a discrepancy between content and non-verbal clues, then non-verbal cues carry more weight when trying to discern meaning.
It is disingenuous for you to say, “I was only joking, or just kidding,” as if the content was mistakenly misunderstood by the hearer.
- Physical Distractions: Physical Distractions are those tangible, material issues that prohibit communication from being successfully transmitted.
- Health Issues: Some spouses don’t hear well. Perhaps they have hearing loss in one or both ears. Or they may have grown older and their hearing is not as sensitive as it was when they were younger.
- Speech Problems: Related to hearing loss is speech problems. Some spouses don’t articulate well. There are a variety of speech problems (diction, accents, grammar, physiological pathologies) that prohibit successful communication.
- Fatigue: Having a successful conversation requires the physical and emotional investment from both spouses. Occasionally, one or both spouses are just too tired to give the kind of effort that is going to make a conversation successful. Busy parents, exhausted at the finish of a long day, are rarely going to have the energy to communicate effectively. When one spouse is drowsy, it doesn’t matter how hard the other spouse tries, the result will be hurt feelings. Sadly, spouses don’t make time for healthy, life giving, foundational, communication. Over time, neglecting this issue because of being too weary will drain a relationship of it’s intimacy.
- Noise in the Environment: Noise in the environment has become an aggressively significant factor in destroying effective communication. There was a day, not too long ago, when the daily newspaper was the biggest distraction in a marriage environment. Television has always been a distraction to effective communication. But with digital technology not spouses can be distracted by hundreds of channels - CNN, FOX, MSNBC - 24 hour news, ESPN 24 hour sports, movies on demand, Hulu, Netflix, Apple TV. No one would have imagined that people would be carrying around an electronic instrument in their purses and pockets that can:
- Stream video content (YouTube).
- Send private text messages.
- Receive private social media requests (Facebook, ).
- Search for and troll former romantic interests
- View pornography.
- Read news information.
- Play fantasy sports games with friends.
- Play hundreds of video games.
- Write and read email.
- Look at and send photographs
- Modify photographs so that they will look their best.
- Enrol privately in dating websites and flirt with and entertain conversations with other “singles.”
- Etc. etc. etc,
Don’t put this conversation off. Make an effort to build on the solid foundation of healthy communication. Jesus doesn't promise you will always have perfect communication in your marriage, but He promises you can have an eternal anchor for your soul: THE GOSPEL (John 16:33). Our kids need to see what it looks like to follow Christ more than they need to hear what we say it is like to follow Christ. Parents are the models of following Christ. This is no easy task. Yet there is no better way to teach them than to show them. Our kids need to see us struggle, mess up, yet reply with gospel centered reaction.
Our responses to one another, especially in the arguments, must be graceful and gospel centered:
- Mistakes are made,
- Grace is offered,
- Forgiveness is experienced,
- Repentance causes change and
- Mercy is enjoyed!
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| Dr. Phil Sallee, Pastor twitter.com/philsallee facebook.com/phil.sallee philsallee.info nbchurch.info nbfamilies.info |
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