Something is wrong in my marriage.

On Fridays I have started a series that is addressing the importance of modeling gospel driven marriages. God is the Architect of the brilliant plan to capture the hearts of the generations through His families (Malachi 4:6).
God has designed the family to be the channel to pass on His plan for redemption to the next generation (Genesis 12:1-3; Psalm 78:3-8). NBFamilies are working to discover providential opportunities where - traditional parents, single parents, grand parents, step parents, foster parents - can experience God’s life changing presence in their homes.

Let this sink in:

• Our kid’s hearts are being shaped by observing our marriages.
• Our kid’s faith is being influenced by observing how we treat each other as husband and wife.
• Our kid’s faith, their ability to trust, their sense of safety and security, is either being bolstered or being destroyed every day, as they watch us.
• Since marriage is a metaphor for God’s love for His church, (Ephesians 5:25-32) what are our kids learning as they study how we relate to one another?

Our kids observe how we speak to each other. They also evaluate how invested their parents are in one another, based upon how they perceive they communicate. Communication, especially in marriage, is so important that it is frequently addressed in Scripture. Read these passages to be reminded that the Bible extols the value of communication.

• Proverbs 18:13;
• Proverbs 29:11;
• Proverbs 12:18;
• Ephesians 4:24-27;
• James 1:19

Communication isn’t easy. When communication is successful it involves self-revelation on the part of one individual and active listening on the part of another. Not only does communication take a lot of time and effort, it is the one factor that can make or break a marriage. Research tells us that most men are less likely to labor at communicating. Also, most wives have more words to express themselves than do their husbands. Further, wives are regularly frustrated when their husbands are reluctant to converse with them. Although the process can be difficult, it is worth the effort.

• Week #1: - Our Kids Study Us!
• Week #2 - Don’t Raise Your Voice With Me!
• Week #3 - Don’t Shut Me Out!
• Week #4 - Befriending My Spouse
• Week #5 - 10 Tips for a Successful Conversation
• Week #6 – “Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones,” but a Lack of Intimacy Will Hurt Me Too!

Week #7 – I’m Sorry. I’m not listening!

Week #8 - "I can't get him to open up." "She won't hush!"

The bible expresses the highest value of exchanging truth and ideas. Successful communication between couples provides a solid foundation for long-term satisfaction and mutual nurture in marriage. Yet, as simple as it sounds, communicating so often misses its intended mark. When there are cracks in the communication foundation there will always be “settling,” and in most marriage scenarios, complete collapse. Spouses can attempt to communicate and then be completely misunderstood. One spouse expresses a message, they believe that they have communicated successfully, but the hearer will hear something else. Today we will uncover the final 2 of 7 reasons why communication can be unsuccessful. Read each one of these reasons for unsuccessful communication and give yourself a simple score (1 = I struggle with this habit & 5 = This is not a problem for me). If you score each bad communication habit, then you will know what you need to do to improve your communication. I would be a good idea for you to tell your spouse what you are learning about your personal bad communication habits and apologize if necessary. However, BE WARNED. It is dangerous, if you have bad communication habits, to blame your spouse. Accusing your spouse of being guilty and responsibility for unsuccessful communication, even though there will be some truth to the accusation, is a bad idea. You will be met with defensiveness, excuses, and withdrawal or stone-walling. Perhaps you could encourage your spouse to read this for themselves and do their own personal evaluation.

1. Message Confusion: Message Confusion occurs when there is confusion between the verbal content and the nonverbal cue. (sighing, eye rolling, arm crossing, lips pursed, forehead wrinkled, etc.).
2. Physical Distractions: Physical Distractions are those tangible, material issues that prohibit communication from being successfully transmitted.
   • Health Issues:
   • Speech Problems: .
   • Fatigue:
3. Noise in the Environment: Noise in the environment has become an aggressively significant factor in destroying effective communication. Digital technology can cause spouses to be distracted by hundreds of channels - CNN, FOX, MSNBC - 24 hour news, ESPN 24 hour sports, movies on demand, Hulu, Netflix, Apple TV. No one would have imagined that people would be carrying around an electronic instrument in their purses and pockets that can:
   • Stream video content (YouTube).
   • Send private text messages.
   • Receive private social media requests (Facebook, ).
   • Search for and troll former romantic interests
   • View pornography.
   • Read news information.
   • Play fantasy sports games with friends.
   • Play hundreds of video games.
   • Write and read email.
   • View and send photographs
   • Modify photographs so that they will look their best.
   • Enroll privately in dating websites and flirt with and entertain conversations with other “singles.”
   • Etc. etc. etc,
4. Beliefs and expectations:Research has demonstrated that human beings have an inconceivable propensity to see in others what they believe and expect to see. We are not aware that we are influencing others’ behaviors, either positive or negative, by our own beliefs and expectations. Married people can significantly enhance satisfaction or dissatisfaction depending upon their beliefs and expectations of the one to whom they are married.
5. Communication Styles: There are several types of communication styles (talkative/quiet; wordy/silent; expressive/unemotional; loud/soft; direct/indirect, etc.) In most cultures, communication styles follow gender patterns. Here are two important rules about Communication Styles:
   1. Different styles which are left misunderstood can lead to irritation or to miscommunication.
   2. Tolerance and patience for your spouse’s unique communication style is absolutely essential.

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   NEW CONTENT

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6. Self protection: Over time, both spouses begin to collect memories of negative responses from their spouse (leaving the toilet seat up, squeezing the toothpaste in the middle of the tube, leaving out dirty dishes, missing important dates, being late to appointments, etc.). The natural response to experiencing a negative response from your spouse is to protect yourself from experiencing more negative responses. Both spouses begin to veil their comments with less direct or descriptive comments. However, when remarks are made that are hidden behind the mask of self protection, real concerns and feelings are covered up. Out of a fear of rejection, both spouses will not directly address genuine concerns and thoughts. Messages are sent in such a way to protect ourselves from hurt and rejection.
   

   Examples?
   A husband will ask: “Are you hungry?” When he is really desires to say, “I don’t feel like I am spending enough time with you and I wish we could enjoy a meal together."
   A wife will ask: “When are you getting home?” When she is really desires to say, “I want to have enough time to have myself and our home ready to enjoy some time together tonight."
   A husband will snarl: “Are you still on Facebook?” When he is really desires to say, “I am jealous of the time enjoy on social media. I wish we enjoyed time together like we once did.”
   A wife will ask: “Do you want the remote control?” When she really desires to say, “I want us to enjoy a nice conversation and feel close to you, but if you would rather watch TV, I will find something else to do.”
   
   

   Incomplete and inadequate questions that spouses often ask like: “Busy?” “Tired?” “Still working?” “Going to be late?” may be veiled inquiries because the questioner may be protecting him or her self from rejection. Transparency is the pathway to authenticity and genuine intimacy. Yet, when either spouse hides themselves out of fear of rejection, transparency, authenticity, and intimacy are sacrificed due to fear and past refusals.
   
7. Hidden Issues: Hidden issues are often the real issue in many discussions though they are never discussed. Hidden issues become obstacles to communication making it very difficult for spouses to understand each other.
   • Hidden issues may be triggered by an innocent action of the spouse or kids.
   • Hidden issues may be hidden out of shame and fear.
   • Hidden issues may stem from an intense desire for acceptance and love.
   • Hidden issues may be issues of which individuals are unaware – hidden, even from themselves.
   Hidden issues remain hidden because the shame and pain that is associated with the hidden issue is too devastating to disclose (sexual molestation, child abuse, family fiascoes, secret addictions, etc.). Hidden issues may be too threatening to bring up directly. A professional therapist in a safe counseling setting may be the best scenario for addressing hidden issues. Hidden issues can be unexpressed expectations and needs (safety, security, acceptance, appreciation, loyalty, forgiveness, etc.) that can cause great damage in a marriage if they are not safely addressed and understood.

Jesus doesn't promise you will always have perfect communication in your marriage, but He promises you can have an eternal anchor for your soul: THE GOSPEL (John 16:33). Our kids need to see what it looks like to follow Christ more than they need to hear what we say it is like to follow Christ. Parents are the models of following Christ. This is no easy task. Yet there is no better way to teach them than to show them. Our kids need to see us struggle, mess up, yet reply with gospel centered reaction.
Our responses to one another, especially in the hidden issues, must be graceful and gospel centered:

1. Mistakes are made,
2. Grace is offered,
3. Forgiveness is experienced,
4. Repentance causes change and
5. Mercy is enjoyed!

The gospel response is always the best response and this is how our kid’s faith will be influenced. Is it time to have a conversation with you spouse and begin living a gospel centered marriage? That is my prayer for you. God bless our marriages!

Dr. Phil Sallee, Pastor
twitter.com/philsallee
facebook.com/phil.sallee
philsallee.info
nbchurch.info
nbfamilies.info

It's Hard to Be Humble, without Transformation

"Moses was a very humble man, more so than any man on the face of the earth." Numbers 12:3

Was Moses always a humble man? At what point did Moses become so humble, he "was more so than any man on the face of the earth"? Moses spent 40 years in the wilderness, then lead God's people out of Egypt, then put up with those same people as they grumbled and became rebellious to God while wandering in the desert in search of the promised land.

Why? Why did Moses have to spend so much time in the wilderness? God must have a process for how He works with us, so that we become humble, so then He can use us.

We are going through a book called "How God Makes Men" in our Tuesday morning Men's group. The author, Patrick Morely, explains it this way, "But Moses didn't become the man God had in mind overnight, and neither will we. I've found the process of transformation and learning humility goes like this:
            Step 1: I tell God what I'm going to do.
            Step 2: God responds
            Step 3: I beg God to let me do it anyway.
            Step 4: He humbles me until I listen.
            Step 5: God tells me what He is going to do.
Morely, goes on to say, "Think about where you are right now in this sequence. Are you somewhere in the first three stages.....proudly doing all the talking and trying to call the shots? Or has a wilderness experience humbled you, and now you find yourself ready to listen? Humbling us so we can hear Him is one of the main ways God transforms men's lives."

Answer those questions from Morely yourself. Where are you in the steps mentioned above? God has a plan for you. Will you join Him in His plan?

"Remember that the Lord your God led you on the entire journey these 40 years in the wilderness, so that He might humble you and test you to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep His commands." Deuteronomy 8:2

"so that He might humble you and test you to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep His commands."

 "He fed you in the wilderness with manna that your fathers had not known, in order to humble and test you, so that in the end He might cause you to prosper. Deuteronomy 8:16

"so that in the end He might cause you to prosper."

"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will exalt you." James 4:10

Morely goes on to say, "It's interesting. When Moses considered himself adequate to deliver his people, God considered him inadequate. But decades later and a world away, when Moses considered himself inadequate, God considered him exactly right for the job." "He was transformed into a different kind of man....a humble man ready to live in utter dependence on God."

Thyme, to check the list...

Last Friday presented my wife with the unique opportunity to cook one of our favorite family meals. This was special because Brittany’s recent work schedule has not allowed her many chances to don the apron. Needless to say, we were all very excited to see her in the kitchen! Additionally, I must say that for whatever reason, my wife really delights in serving our family. She knows that we absolutely love her poppy-seed chicken. So, with great joy she set out to cook this prized family dish, as the rest of us tried to patiently wait for mealtime.

Now, it had been a while since we’d last enjoyed this hearty recipe, but we could still remember the savory flavor for B had prepared it for us on several other occasions. But you know, sometimes we can get in a hurry and make mistakes, and last Friday, that’s exactly what happened...

I was sitting in the kitchen, just in case anything needed to be taste-tested, when my wife asked if something smelled a bit odd. She was afraid that perhaps she had mixed in too much paprika. “Hmmm, it does smell different.” I asked if she thought she had mixed in enough thyme, and that’s when it hit her. She had mistakenly grabbed the cumin from our spice rack and entirely left out the thyme. The smell we were noticing was not excessive paprika, but the aroma of cumin-covered chicken. P.S. – among the necessary ingredients, cumin is not on this recipe’s list.

Day 4 "Chicken Accidente" leftovers...  #mylunchfortoday

I will not disclose all of the emotions that transpired over the next few minutes but I will tell you that my wife was truly disappointed. It was not that there wasn’t other food available to eat; and it really had little to do with the recipe’s re-mix. She hardly ever gets to cook a big meal for us, and when given the opportunity, there was an accidental mishap. She wanted to give us the best she could, something we love, something we could enjoy and know that we had been served. And all the time (obviously not thyme), energy, and resources that appeared to be wasted, albeit with great intentions, just made her sad.

As I think about this scenario, I wonder how similar it may be to some of our other attempts. We want our kids to have the best; we want our children to enjoy life more fully and completely than we did at their age; we long to see them experience more victories in life and far less heartache. We mean well; really, we do. Our intentions are good…but so often we are missing the key ingredient.

The list of things we hope to facilitate is indeed lengthy, but if the Gospel is not present, if it is not the motivating factor behind our scholastic achievements, gridiron glories, and rightly balanced relationships, then despite our sincerest of intentions, we are only dishing-up disaster and future disappointment. If we are sending them to weekly church programs and events but never spending time at home in dialogue about how this Christ is to be treasured above all else, then we are missing the mark. As Sank said in his sermon yesterday, “Either Jesus changes everything, or blah, blah, blah.”

In the midst of this mega-holiday shopping season, it would seem this thought might be worth our deepest evaluation. As we think of what gifts to give, the traditions we carry-on, and all the things we will participate in, might we pause to consider our ingredient list. If the resurrected Christ is not at the top, if His Gospel of peace is not paramount and pouring down over and into every facet of our lives, if the manger is not seen in the shadow of the cross this Christmas, then might we plead with the Lord Jesus to make it so.

Back to B’s attempt at producing poppy-seed chicken and a happy ending to this blog… She went ahead and let the “chicken accidente” (as my wife now calls it) finish cooking and we hesitantly served it up on a bed of rice. It tasted different, kind of like a weird chicken chili Mexican rice casserole of some sort. However, it was pretty good. I mean, I went back for seconds. Each of the kiddos went back for multiple helpings. It was unique for sure but far more than just edible, it was actually legit.

And friend, that too is a picture of God’s grace. Sometimes we get our priorities so out of whack. Who am I kidding?! Most of the time we operate out of kilter, allowing our lives to become so jumbled with stuff that really matters not. Yet, once we realize our mess and acknowledge our need, we see a gracious God, a loving Father, that is sufficient to restore and redeem. He takes our hurriedly thrown together offerings, purifies them through the blood of His Son and produces something worthy of praise. He transforms our “accidentes” into instruments for His glory – evidences of His goodness and grace.

Funny the little ways He speaks truth to our hearts. May we listen closely this season and take time to check our lists, setting our hope fully upon Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith.

Matt Fowler - Family Pastor of HS (@fattmowler)

"I can't get him to open up." "She won't hush!"

On Fridays I have started a series that is addressing the importance of modeling gospel driven marriages. God is the Architect of the brilliant plan to capture the hearts of the generations through His families (Malachi 4:6).

God has designed the family to be the channel to pass on His plan for redemption to the next generation (Genesis 12:1-3; Psalm 78:3-8). NBFamilies are working to discover providential opportunities where - traditional parents, single parents, grand parents, step parents, foster parents - can experience God’s life changing presence in their homes.

Let this sink in:

• Our kid’s hearts are being shaped by observing our marriages.
• Our kid’s faith is being influenced by observing how we treat each other as husband and wife.
• Our kid’s faith, their ability to trust, their sense of safety and security, is either being bolstered or being destroyed every day, as they watch us.
• Since marriage is a metaphor for God’s love for His church, (Ephesians 5:25-32) what are our kids learning as they study how we relate to one another?

Our kids observe how we speak to each other. They also evaluate how invested their parents are in one another, based upon how they perceive they communicate. Communication, especially in marriage, is so important that it is frequently addressed in Scripture. Read these passages to be reminded that the Bible extols the value of communication.

• Proverbs 18:13;
• Proverbs 29:11;
• Proverbs 12:18;
• Ephesians 4:24-27;
• James 1:19

Communication isn’t easy. When communication is successful it involves self-revelation on the part of one individual and active listening on the part of another. Not only does communication take a lot of time and effort, it is the one factor that can make or break a marriage. Research tells us that most men are less likely to labor at communicating. Also, most wives have more words to express themselves than do their husbands. Further, wives are regularly frustrated when their husbands are reluctant to converse with them. Although the process can be difficult, it is worth the effort.

• Week #1: - Our Kids Study Us!
• Week #2 - Don’t Raise Your Voice With Me!
• Week #3 - Don’t Shut Me Out!
• Week #4 - Befriending My Spouse
• Week #5 - 10 Tips for a Successful Conversation
• Week #6 – “Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones,” but a Lack of Intimacy Will Hurt Me Too!
• Week #7 – I’m Sorry. I’m not listening!

The bible expresses the highest value of exchanging truth and ideas. Successful communication between couples provides a solid foundation for long-term satisfaction and mutual nurture in marriage. Yet, as simple as it sounds, communicating so often misses its intended mark. When there are cracks in the communication foundation there will always be “settling,” and in most marriage scenarios, complete collapse. Spouses can attempt to communicate and then be completely misunderstood. One spouse expresses a message, they believe that they have communicated successfully, but the hearer will hear something else. In the next 2 weeks, we will uncover 7 reasons why communication can be unsuccessful.

The first 3 of 7 reasons why communication can be unsuccessful was posted two weeks ago. Read each one of these and give yourself a simple score (1 = I struggle with this habit - 5 = This is not a problem for me). If you score each bad communication habit, then you will know what you need to do to improve your communication. I would be a good idea for you to tell your spouse what you are learning about your personal bad communication habits and apologize if necessary. However, BE WARNED. It is dangerous, if you have bad communication habits, to blame your spouse. Accusing your spouse of being guilty and responsibility for unsuccessful communication, even though there will be some truth to the accusation, is a bad idea. You will be met with defensiveness, excuses, and withdrawal or stone-walling. Perhaps you could encourage your spouse to read this for themselves and do their own personal evaluation.

1. Message Confusion: Message Confusion occurs when there is confusion between the verbal content and the nonverbal cue. (sighing, eye rolling, arm crossing, lips pursed, forehead wrinkled, etc.).
2. Physical Distractions: Physical Distractions are those tangible, material issues that prohibit communication from being successfully transmitted.
   • Health Issues:
   • Speech Problems: .
   • Fatigue:
3. Noise in the Environment: Noise in the environment has become an aggressively significant factor in destroying effective communication. Digital technology can cause spouses to be distracted by hundreds of channels - CNN, FOX, MSNBC - 24 hour news, ESPN 24 hour sports, movies on demand, Hulu, Netflix, Apple TV. No one would have imagined that people would be carrying around an electronic instrument in their purses and pockets that can:
   • Stream video content (YouTube).
   • Send private text messages.
   • Receive private social media requests (Facebook, ).
   • Search for and troll former romantic interests
   • View pornography.
   • Read news information.
   • Play fantasy sports games with friends.
   • Play hundreds of video games.
   • Write and read email.
   • Look at and send photographs
   • Modify photographs so that they will look their best.
   • Enroll privately in dating websites and flirt with and entertain conversations with other “singles.”
   • Etc. etc. etc,

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   NEW CONTENT

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4. Beliefs and expectations:The power of beliefs and expectations is well researched. Research has demonstrated that human beings have an inconceivable propensity to see in others what they believe and expect to see. If they believe strongly about something, either positive or negative beliefs, they will transfer those feelings and opinions into a relationship or conversation that has no basis in present fact. Usually humans are not aware that they are influencing others’ behaviors, either positive or negative, by their own beliefs and expectations. But they are!

   Examples?
   If your spouse accidentally forgets a date that is significant to you (birthday, anniversaries of noteworthy events, etc.), do you look forward to the next significant date with anticipation or with trepidation? Typically, you will dread the next significant date because you believe they will forget and expect to be disappointed.

   If your spouse asks, “Are you hungry?,” do you look forward to a romantic dinner at an nice restaurant, or do you assume they are wanting you to get up, go into the kitchen, and cook them something to eat? Typically, your answer to the question, “Are you hungry?” is going to be based upon what you believe and expect from your spouse.

   • Would you snarl, “Why is it always my job to make you food?”
   • Or would you flirtatiously reply, “Yum, I love it when you take me to ____________ (insert favorite, romantic restaurant here).”

   Your answer is based entirely on you own beliefs and expectations. If your spouse is thinking, “I wonder which nice restaurant I can take my love out to express my love and appreciation?” And you snarl, “Why is it always my job to make you food?” What is your negative belief and expectation going to do to your spouse’s plans for a romantic dinner? You both will likely be not eating at all, or eating alone that night.

   Married people can significantly enhance satisfaction or dissatisfaction depending upon their beliefs and expectations of the one to whom they are married. It is the task of each spouse to listen to a comment, and direct their beliefs and expectations in a positive direction. It is the duty of each spouse to pay attention to a remark, and focus his or her beliefs and expectations in an affirmative way.
5. Communication Styles: There are several types of communication styles. Some are talkative and others are quiet. Some are too wordy and others are less likely to speak. Some speak first and think out loud, other think first and say nothing at all. Some are expressive and effusive when they speak and others are unemotional and dry when they speak. Some are loud others are soft. Some are direct, even abrupt, and others are indirect and their intention are implied.

   In most cultures, communication styles follow gender patterns. It should be notes that there are exceptions, but they are in the minority. In the southern and mid-western United States, females are commonly those who pursue a conversation. Females use more words to communicate. And females utilize more expression, and are more effusive when communicating.

   Males are commonly those who avoid a conversation. Males use fewer words to communicate. And males utilize less expression, and are less effusive when communicating.

   No one style is better than the other. Amusingly, both styles falsely assume their style is the better style and wish the other style would change to be more like themselves. In fact, a diversity in communication styles (talkative/quiet; wordy/silent; expressive/unemotional; loud/soft; direct/indirect, etc.) can bring a needed fullness to the conversation. Those who are more prone to consider and reflect can evaluate words of the verbose and bring clarity. Those who find speaking easy can articulate the thoughts of those who are less likely to speak and present understanding.

   Here are two important rules about Communication Styles:
   1) Different styles which are left misunderstood can lead to irritation or to miscommunication.
   2) Tolerance and patience for your spouse’s unique communication style is absolutely essential.

Jesus doesn't promise you will always have perfect communication in your marriage, but He promises you can have an eternal anchor for your soul: THE GOSPEL (John 16:33). Our kids need to see what it looks like to follow Christ more than they need to hear what we say it is like to follow Christ. Parents are the models of following Christ. This is no easy task. Yet there is no better way to teach them than to show them. Our kids need to see us struggle, mess up, yet reply with gospel centered reaction.
Our responses to one another, especially in the arguments, must be graceful and gospel centered:

1. Mistakes are made,
2. Grace is offered,
3. Forgiveness is experienced,
4. Repentance causes change and
5. Mercy is enjoyed!

The gospel response is always the best response and this is how our kid’s faith will be influenced. Is it time to have a conversation with you spouse and begin living a gospel centered marriage? That is my prayer for you. God bless our marriages!

Dr. Phil Sallee, Pastor
twitter.com/philsallee
facebook.com/phil.sallee
philsallee.info
nbchurch.info
nbfamilies.info

A Lasting Legacy

I was gone last week on a little Thanksgiving holiday vacation. The vacation was not just to enjoy the holiday week. We were also able to attend and witness our two grandchildren being dedicated at their church. This made the week of Thanksgiving ALL the more fulfilling and memorable.

When I look at the photo of our adult children below, our daughters, holding their children, standing before their congregation to make the commitment to raise their children as Christ followers, it was very emotional for me. Not just because they were dedicating their children to the Lord. The story is SO much bigger than that. You see, the church they are standing in was the church that I became born again. The same church 10 years later, that my daughters attended when they were in college. The same church that my oldest daughter and son in law were baptized in the college ministry. The same church my first grandchild, Urijah was dedicated 2 years ago and now, our 2nd and 3rd grandchildren are being dedicated in. That church, Parkview Baptist Church, in Iowa City, IA, will forever be a church that has been and continues to be used by God to make an impact on me and my family.

Here is what the parents have committed to that day:
"Will you, by God's help, do the following for your child:

• Provide a Christian home?
• Teach about the Lord from the Bible?
• Pray for your child?
• Be an example of a committed Christian?
• Do all you can to help your child come to know Jesus Christ as their personal Savior and follow Him as Lord?"

So, as I am watching my daughters, holding their children, agreeing to this commitment, I look up and see the words on the screen behind them: "A Lasting Legacy". I smiled and said to myself, "THIS is what life is about." THIS is the ONLY thing that will last into eternity. The passing down of a legacy of faith in Jesus Christ.

You can see in the picture above, the Pastor introduced them and then they shared with the congregation the life verse or verses for their children:

For my oldest daughter Larissa, they chose Psalm 25:5 for their daughter Alissa: 
"Guide me in Your truth and teach me,
for You are the God of my salvation;I wait for You all day long."

For my younger daughter Bridgette, they chose Isaiah 40:29-31 for their son Aidan:
"He gives strength to the weary
and strengthens the powerless.
³⁰ Youths may faint and grow weary,
and young men stumble and fall,
³¹ but those who trust in the Lord
will renew their strength;
they will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary;
they will walk and not faint."

 THIS was a Thanksgiving to remember for our family, that now has SO MUCH more meaning than just another Thanksgiving holiday. This Thanksgiving we have SO MUCH more to be thankful for that has blessed our entire family that will last forever. 

Thank you Lord Jesus for answered prayers. Thank you for your grace and mercy for my daughters and for their children. Thank you for your saving grace. Thank you for never giving up on us, even through our darkest hours. In Jesus name I pray, Amen!

So what's my role?

For those who are tired of hearing about Ferguson and all things associated with the topic, please feel free to stop reading now. Today, I make no claim of saying something new, nor do I pretend to offer anything exceptionally profound. I simply aim to share what the Lord has laid on my heart. Since there is a possibility that my white suburbanite situation is not entirely unique, I will briefly share how I intend to respond to what’s been revealed in my own heart over the past week.

I am ignorant of all the evidence and facts surrounding the tragic death of Michael Brown that came as a result of an altercation with Officer Darren Wilson, but I can tell you that those details are not nearly as important as you might think. The real issue at hand, at least in regard to our national unrest, has very little to do with the grand jury’s decision or the subsequent rioting and looting. There has been a prevalent lack of sympathy shown from white Christ-followers toward our fellow black brethren, which is especially disappointing during a time like this.

As I have scrolled my timeline looking at post after post on Facebook, I’ve watched believing friends talk much about justice and due process; discussions and comments have focused on how Michael Brown got what he deserved. It appears to be the false assumption of many that most blacks are in support of the lawless destruction of the St. Louis area businesses and neighborhoods. Yet, that clearly is far from the case. And rather than hearing what is at the root of this unrest and disappointment, many are quick to insist that it is time to move on.

So if folks are upset and protesting, why might they be so enraged? Is this an isolated case or does this look strikingly familiar? Is there more at play here? Have blacks historically been discriminated against? Surely, you don’t think we’ve completely moved beyond this issue of race? The truth is that most of us cannot know what it is like to walk the streets of one’s own neighborhood in fear. There is no experience that I have had in my life that can rival that which is common in many urban black communities. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot empathize. My moments spent as the minority in a brief scenario do not even compare.

Now I want to be very clear in stating that most of our law enforcement officers are good men that represent their precinct with honor and dignity. Daily they risk their safety and comfort so that our families can enjoy an atmosphere of peace and safety that they help provide. I have friends that are policemen that I would vogue for in a heartbeat. Unfortunately that doesn’t change the fact that some abuse their power and authority.

So then the question: Is something less of a reality if we have personally not experienced it? Is it impossible to grieve for the loss of a young man’s life no matter the cause? Additionally, can it only be sad in certain situations? Are there some criteria that must be met? I’ve been to lots of funerals and memorial services, yet I’ve not heard anyone say, “Well, you know he probably died of a heart disease because he ate fried food so often.” Or, “Yeah, she smoked so many packs a day that she deserved to die of cancer.” No, no, no. No way!  You know why people don’t say those types of things? They dare not utter those phrases because such words would be cold, unnecessary, and extremely insensitive. You don’t pile on, you sympathize; you listen and work hard to understand what your friend or family member is going through. And isn’t that ultimately the point. We so often fail to respond like family, because we struggle to see ourselves as family. No matter how much we chirp about being the same – all image bearers of God, we still see each other very differently.

Despite Scripture’s call to unity (Philippians 1:27, 1 Peter 3:8, Romans 12:16, Hebrews 13:1), we, even as the church, are content to accept our limited understanding of each other and continue on going about our business. Jesus’ prayer for us is that we might be one – in mind, in purpose, through adversity (John 17:9-16, John 17:20-23). Instead of heeding the heart of our Savior, we often allow such events as we’ve recently seen, to divide us all the more. We make it about politics or poverty, conservatives versus liberals, us versus them. Is that the answer? Does that bring us closer together? Does that really unite us in peace? Friend, you may label me whatever you like, but know this: Jesus is my banner and His Gospel is my creed. And this Gospel not only calls each of us to more, it empowers to live accordingly. We must deny ourselves and die to our agendas and preconceived notions, if ever we are to live in the fullness that is available through Christ.

Again, I cannot know your heart but I can tell you a bit about mine. This whole thing has been tough. It has been sad to watch so many unloving exchanges in a time when the very opposite is so desperately needed. But I’m also saddened by own position. Though I’ve done my best to listen to what many black leaders have said and I truly long to play a part in our nation’s healing, I’ve been reminded that I am so isolated in my lily white circles of influence that I honestly can’t relate at a meaningful level. There is a well-developed chasm between my world and that of others (in this case blacks), and without a purposeful plan to engage differently, the distance will only grow farther apart. As the church, we must have a voice in times of national crisis. We must be able offer clarity and direction and point to the hope of the Gospel as we labor toward racial reconciliation. So as a pastor with a very limited number of ethnically and racially diverse companions, my ability to serve the body as well or as fully as I should is somewhat hindered.

So what to do? Well, first I must acknowledge where I’ve missed the mark. Then I must educate myself, which I can do this through reading and research. However, I must also seek education by way of experience. It is not enough to talk about having black teammates in high school or African-American classmates in college. Mentioning that we bump to Lecrae in our mini-van, or that I listen to E-mase on podcasts, or that I weekly read Thabiti’s blogs is insufficient. I must pursue real, meaningful, relationships with other black pastors and community leaders. If I truly believe that there is a richness to be found in diversity, then I must become diligent in seeking it out personally, as well as working to facilitate opportunities for the body corporately. To speak of diversity’s beauty in theory alone would be trite; just as it would be wrong for me to rail against you for not tithing, if I had not given so much as penny either.

@ClaytonPruett fixes the NY's Arch problem (via @drmoore).

As I begin to wrap this up, may I ask a question? What has your response been to Ferguson? Contemplation of how I answer this simple question has been quite revealing. And guess what? I have again been reminded of my need for repentance and God’s grace that produces growth; the Holy Spirit must continue to sanctify me through and through. I could be ashamed of my blind spots and the prejudices I’ve grown up with or I could press into Jesus and plead for help. I choose the latter.

Again, I’m not here to judge or guilt anyone. I’m here to apologize for my empty words and ask for your prayers. Pray for me; pray for our church; plead for our nation. Might we grow together – first as those united in Christ through our various local bodies, then collectively as a country. Pray that God would raise up a generation of leaders – men and women that would tirelessly strive toward God-honoring, Spirit-filled, Christ-exalting, racial reconciliation and unity. 

We can pretend this whole thing is really a non-issue and for the most part, we can live in a way that will make such a thought seem true. For as long as we stay within the bounds of our predominantly white cul-de-sacs and gated communities, we will be largely unaffected in our day-to-day activities. Though the beach is becoming crowded, there’s still room for you to duck your head in the sand. But the truth remains – there is far more at work and at stake in this very hour than we might care to admit. Eventually after the protests subside and mainstream media moves on to the next big thing, the problem will still be in our midst. There is need for us to work toward racial reconciliation in our communities and fair treatment for all our citizens. And as Christians, we must take the time to evaluate our role in God’s redemption movement.

I’d be happy to die an old man, having to never again witness such racial turmoil as was displayed as a result of Ferguson, but that dream is unrealistic. For in this world we will have trouble. May we learn from history and our own mistakes, and might we be better prepared to lead in the future. Lord, prepare Your bride to guide in grace and truth, as a trusted voice and a faithful example. Father, for Your glory, make it so.

Matt Fowler - Family Pastor of HS

The Power of Thanks!

The last two months the staff at New Beginnings has done something powerful. For many years now, we have been celebrating one another’s birthdays by going to lunch together. However, the last two months have been different. After we have ordered our lunches, we have taken time to each take a turn telling one reason that we are thankful for the person celebrating their birthday. The results have been awe-inspiring. There have been tears of joy, smiles of thanks, and humble reactions. Something powerful happens when we express our thanks for one another. How can something as simple as being thankful cause such a powerful reaction?

Thanksgiving is the right response from the created to the Creator!

Thanksgiving and thankfulness is fairly rare in the Old Testament for two reasons:

1. Sadly, people were not thankful after the emergence of sin (Genesis 3:1-24). Thankfulness is not a character strength that naturally flows from the ruined hearts of humanity. Thanklessness is on display after the miraculous exodus of God’s people (Exodus 3:20; Numbers 14:2). Israel grumbled again and again, rather than thanking God for His deliverance and for food that literally fell from heaven.
2. The most common Hebrew words for “thankfulness” can also be interpreted “praise.” The link in between “praise” and “thanksgiving” is not accidental and should not be ignored. When we are thankful and express our thanksgiving we are acknowledging God as our source of blessings and contentment. We should remember that Thanks = Praise and Praise = Thanks.
   Thanksgiving is common in the psalms. About twenty psalms command or invite Israel to sing songs of thanksgiving. "Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good" is a common refrain
   • Psalm 106:1 ;
   • Psalm 118:1 ;
   • Psalm 136:1
   Some psalms specify a reason, linking thanksgiving with deeds of love and worship, encouraging worshipers to glorify God with thanksgiving (Psalm 69:30 ), come before him with thanksgiving Psalm (Psalm 95:2 ), enter his gates with thanksgiving (Psalm 100:4 ), sing to the Lord with thanksgiving (Psalm 147:7).

   Perhaps surprisingly, perhaps not, cries for help and grief also conclude with thanksgiving. These cries come from individuals in Psalm 7:17; Psalm 28:7; Psalm 35:18; Psalm 52:9 ; Psalm 54:6 ; and Psalm 86:12. But there are also cries from the community in Psalm 79:13; and Psalm 106:47.

In the New Testament the vocabulary for thanksgiving expands and expressions of thanksgiving increase.

• Thanksgiving is a motive for Christian life and conduct.
• Thanksgiving is a general attitude toward both the blessings and trials of life.
• Thanksgiving is a central component of prayer.
• Thanksgiving the right attitude for the ability to work and serve others.

In the Gospels and Acts thanksgiving most often occurs in prayer over a meal (Matthew 15:36, 26:27 ; Mark 8:6, 14:23 ; Luke 22:19; John 6:11, 23). Paul also thanked God for his final meal on the storm-battered boat that took him to Malta (Acts 27:35).

The Gospels introduce and the Epistles develop the concept that gratitude for God's deliverance in Christ characterizes the believer.

• When a sinful woman interrupted a dinner party to anoint Jesus with precious perfume, Jesus told His shocked host that her actions sprang from thankfulness for forgiveness (Luke 7:40-47).
• When Jesus healed ten lepers as they walked to the temple, He commented aloud that only one, a Samaritan, returned to thank him (Luke 7:11-19).
• Paul’s letters teach us that believers should be thankful for every individual provision, and that gratitude for God's saving grace should envelops the entire Christian life.
• A general attitude of thanksgiving in both the trials and blessings of life distinguishes the Christian. Paul instructs his churches to give thanks for all things, in all circumstances (Ephesian 5:20 ; 1 Thessalonians 5:18), even in suffering (Romans 5:3-5; James 1:1-4), and to do everything in the name of Jesus out of a spirit of gratitude (Colossians 3:17).
• Believers in Jesus retain joy and peace especially when, "in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving [they] present their requests to God" (Philippians 4:6-7 ).
• Thanksgiving is a central component of prayer for Paul. He prays that his churches will be thankful (Colossians 1:12), and gives thanks for answered prayer, especially for the extension of the gospel and the strength of his churches (2 Corinthians 4:15).

  As we take time out to observe Thanksgiving we should honor the concept by being and expressing our thanks. See if you can experience the power of thanksgiving this holiday. Watch as thanksgiving transforms your attitude and the attitudes of those for whom you are thankful. Thanksgiving is powerful. Thanksgiving is biblical. Thanksgiving is right.

  Be thankful and tell others why you are thankful!

  

  Dr. Phil Sallee, Pastor
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