Family Idolatry

Tim Keller tells a story, in his book Counterfeit Gods, of a single woman who desperately wanted to have children. She eventually married and struggled with infertility. Contrary to the doctors expectations she eventually was able to bear two helpfully children despite her advanced age.

Had her dreams finally come true? Sadly no, not even close.

Her overpowering drive to give her children a perfect life made it impossible for her to actually enjoy them. Her overprotectiveness, fears and anxieties, and her need to control every minuscule detail of her children’s lives made the family miserable. Her husband compliantly lowered himself beneath her single-minded devotion to her children. Her children grew up filled with anger. Her children resented being manipulated and controlled. Her oldest child showed signs of serious social and emotional problems and did poorly in school. Her drive to give her children wonderful lives actually became the very thing that ruined them. Her family disintegrated. Her adult children, now liberated out from underneath her overprotective control, ardently avoided her. Lonely and ignored, her husband divorced her.

Our children often feel the burden of living up to goals we set for them. Wanting what is “best” for them, we set the bar just out of reach. Consider the Little League player whose parents build their whole lives around his athletic experiences. This is a common theme in the suburbs. Parents get caught up in the thrill of their kid’s success. Or perhaps they’re living vicariously off their children’s accomplishments. Parents refer to their kid’s accomplishments in the first person plural pronoun “WE.”

• “We” must look good for college admissions.
• ”We” looked good out there today!
• ”We” have to study harder next time.
• ”We” won the tournament!
• ”We” got robbed by the umpire!

But what happens when our kids don’t succeed? What then?

• How do they/we act when they strike out?
• How do they/we act when they fumbled the ball?
• How do they/we act when they bring home a B or C?
• How do they/we act when they can’t make the team/squad/band?
• What happens when our kids can only live up to the accomplishments of their parents?
• What then?

Our children feel this pressure. Sometimes our kids are exhausted by our attempt to provide them every opportunity. Though it wouldn’t bother children to make a B on their report card, they know it would kill their parents. So they cheat to make good grades or blame their lack of perfection on their teacher’s incompetence. Kids and parents blaming poor performance on the coaches’, the teacher’s, the official’s (umpires, referees, etc.) ineptitude is always an excellent excuse when the children are the false gods.

As we have investigated our struggle with idolatry, we have learned that idolatry is a heart issue and that we all struggle within the heart with an internal idol worship.. We have discovered that idols compete for priority in our hearts. The human heart tragically transforms good things like a successful career, a love relationship, our material possessions, and yes…even our family, into false gods. Our hearts unfortunately idolizes these things as the center of our lives. We mistakenly believe that our family can give a significance and security that we have been longing for. We incorrectly suppose that we will find safety and fulfillment if we focus intensely and exclusively on our families. Many erroneously look to their family for things like hope, meaning, and fulfillment that only God can provide.

• Is there a family relationship in your life that seems to be the determining factor in whether or not you are happy and joyful or sad and depressed?
• To what extent does this person, or persons, determine your state of mind?
• To what extent have you organized your life around this relationship?
• It’s worth comparing the emotions you experience in worship.

The sources of our greatest and deepest emotional expression provide a strong clue to who or what controls us. Worship can and should occur in many different ways. Worship can be expressed loudly in animated emotional experience or softly in private and more introspective experience. Can you say that you experience moving moments worship that approach the depth of what you experience with your family?

I have counseled many adults who grew up believing they could never please their parents. Whatever they did, it was never enough. Even as adults, they are still out to try to make their mom or dad proud. The pressure they feel from mom and dad to meet their expectations has led to a life of insecurity. It seems they are still always trying to hit a home run and bring home a perfect report card. Placing your value and finding your identity in your child puts the child in God’s place in your life.

The deepest joy can come from only one source. As wonderful as marriage and parenting can be, we must know that they won’t be perfect, they won’t satisfy our souls. Only God can do that. When we look to family relationships to do those things for us, we will inevitably be disappointed.

Learn this verse today with your kids. Deuteronomy 6:5

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength.

Then look for ways to direct your love and affection through worshipping God first.

Dr. Phil Sallee, Pastor
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