Proud to say I was not...

"The pride of your heart has deceived you..." Obadiah v.3a

I thought I knew pride. I assumed it was always loud and braggadocious. I figured it would surely draw attention to itself in a crowd and be easy to spot. I knew the kind of clothes it would wear or at least the kind of body it would reveal in the pictures where appropriate covering or accurately fitting garments were lacking. It would tell everyone of all that it had accomplished; there would surely be selfies to chronicle its achievements. Yeah, I was certain that I knew pride well enough to pick it out of a lineup next to "hard working," "well meaning," and "simply blessed." Despite its apparent beauty to some,  it was grotesque and unappealing to me - something I wouldn't be caught dead in. Fortunately, pride looked nothing like me, or so I thought.

There was one particular day when I went to the gym... Ok, are you finished laughing at that thought? I actually did go. And I was gonna get my lift on, I just needed some help getting started. I spent the first few to several minutes walking around, surveying all the different equipment. However, I was struggling to get going, for two main reasons. 1) I was not expecting so many people to be at the gym at 5am, but there they were. This was especially frustrating because they seemed to know what they were doing. Which leads me to my second major hindrance. 2) I didn't know what to do. I was there but had no plan to follow. I recognized certain pieces of equipment but some machines had me so confused that I didn't even know what part of the body they were designed to workout. 

So, I went to the treadmill (I at least knew what that was) and started jogging. The treadmill wasn't on the agenda that morning but I thought it would buy me some time. While jogging, I noticed some ab stations behind me. After a light run, I moved to that area. Given my "out-of-shapeness" I knew I wouldn't be spending much time there. Perhaps some of the Mr. Universe contestants would get sore and retire in the meantime, vacating some stations I knew how to use. But then there was another problem. I didn't think I could lift half of what they were doing. Maybe I could do a third of it?

No way around it, I was overly self-conscious and embarrassed. I didn't want to look silly in front of these sweaty strangers. I was too proud to ask for help. I didn't want anyone to know how truly out of shape and out of sorts I was. I may have walked in wearing workout gear, but as I looked in the mirror, I saw a very unflattering, unfit, heavy breathing, mouth shut in fear form of pride. I hadn't made one arrogant remark. I had not even considered taking a selfie to post on the Gram. Nevertheless, I stood there, barely sweating, yet completely drenched in pride.

I was so embarrassed that after having spent maybe 25 minutes doing the few things I described above, I pretended to be really engaged in a phone call and I left. True story: I acted like I had something drawing me away, then I signed-out and headed home. Frozen in insecurity and embarrassment, paralyzed by fear of man and how I might be perceived, I just played the part of "working out" and I quit.

Now as bad as this experience was, I have a greater concern than my physical health (obviously). What if this same kind of pride carries into my spiritual life? What if this kind of embarrassment and fear of being known or found out were to keep me from confronting my real spiritual state of being? What if I failed to genuinely share out of concern for how I might be perceived? Now, if it is possible to be in the gym, wearing all the right gear, with access to the equipment, glistening sweat on the brow, and yet not truly moving forward to better health and strength, would it not also be possible to do the same thing in matters of faith. Could we go to church, learn the songs and Christianese phrases, maybe even meet with a small group in someone's home, and still be miles from a real, genuinely deep and abiding relationship with Christ and His Church? I'm afraid we both know the answer to that. 

The pride of the heart is deceptive. It's hard to see. You need the penetrating, transformational power of the Word to search the soul. You need the loving rebuke of a fellow brother or sister. Left alone, it will likely go unnoticed until we fall. This is precisely why God hates pride and why we are called to fight against it. It is tricky, and a good liar to boot. While I was trying to avoid becoming the guy that would tell everyone about his new lifting max or fastest running time or number of LB's dropped, I became the scrawny guy in the back that was in just as much trouble. In fact, I'm learning that my self-loathing is a form of pride as well. When I depreciate my value to the extent that I feel worthless, then I'm making a claim against God, as if I know more about myself than He, like I'm too much for even God to fix. That's a lie and pride disguised as poor, pitiful me. 

While pride may be displayed in some of the ways I've depicted, it doesn't mean that contentment and accomplishment are wrong. And just because we resist the temptation to tell each other about how good we are at something, doesn't mean our hearts are clean. If we're thinking about how great we are, we're still puffed up (Matthew 5:21-22, 27-28). See, its not always seen by man, nor is it dressed the same with each individual. Sometimes it's a well-built dude filling out a pair of mandex like a pro wrestler, but it can also be the cowering wimp in the shadows. The point is that it is there, ready to take us down. 

So what are we to do? For starters, let's internalize the following inquiries. When does pride raise its ugly head in your heart? When are you most susceptible to a deceptive attack? How does the Gospel speak to the issue? Are you positioned before the truth of Scripture? Do you hear Christ exalted weekly? Have you anyone to process through what you're being challenged with? Is there a community to help you apply it to your life?

Maybe you're like I was in the gym. You want improvement and growth, but you don't have the foggiest idea where to start. Perhaps you sense your isolation and you long for connection, but you require help with understanding the process. Wherever you are, just be real about your need. Don't pretend to be okay when you're not. There is grace available; more grace is to be found. God opposes the proud but He gives grace to the humble (James 4:5-6). 

Father, help us avoid pride's deception. Allow us to run in the presence of Your people, in the liberty of your grace, for the increase of our joy and the glory of Your Name. Amen

Matt Fowler
Associate Pastor of Missions & Students
matt@nbchurch.info
@fattmowler