This is a great read for parents. I wish I would have learned more about parenting, while I was parenting through my children's younger years. Tim Elmore has done a great job of explaining what he has learned over the years and what he would do differently. Unfortunately for me, it appears I could have written this blog myself. I wish I had learned these same things earlier in my own parenting.
Proverbs 4:7-9 says: 7 "The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.8 Cherish her, and she will exalt you; embrace her, and she will honor you.9 She will give you a garland to grace your head and present you with a glorious crown.”
Take this opportunity to gain more wisdom in your parenting. Please read on.
Five Changes I’d Make If I Could Parent Over Again
This month was a big turning point
for my wife and I: we officially became “empty nesters.” In contemplating this
new stage in life, we began to reflect on the good (and sometimes not-so-good)
experiences we had as parents, on the times in which our parenting skills were
tested.
What’s interesting is that
throughout the years of working with adults, I’ve seen a unique pattern when it
comes to parenting. Many tend to “over-protect and over-connect,” two acts that
can potentially limit their kids from maturing properly. In light of these
findings, I offer five changes I’d make if I could parent over again:
1. I would do less preventing and
more preparing.
In our effort to insure that our
kids experience no major catastrophies in their childhood that could
permanently damage their emotions, we find ourselves reminding them
incessantly:
- Don’t forget your backpack.
- Don’t forget to take your meds.
- Don’t forget practice is at 4:00.
- Don’t forget your homework.
- Don’t forget your grandma’s birthday today.
Our goal is understandable. We want
to prevent bad things from happening. When children are young, this is not only
normal, it’s necessary. But by age ten, their brains have formed enough that
they can (and should) take responsibility for many areas of their behavior.
When we constantly remind them of important items, they tend to become
dependent on others for things they should be taking ownership of themselves.
We actually enable them to rely on others — and even blame others — when they
should be learning to take responsibility for their life. This isn’t healthy.
Preparing children for the future
means increasingly letting them get used to the weight of responsibility by not
protecting them from the consequences of poor choices. Consequences are a
natural part of life. In fact, our world is full of them, and they often come
in the form of equations: if you do this, that will be the benefit; if
you do that, this will be the consequence. Parents must consistently
demonstrate and model these equations for their kids.
2. I would offer fewer explanations
and more experiences.
Many parents I surveyed were
predisposed to do the things I did. They gave lots of wisdom-filled talks to
unsuspecting (and often ungrateful) children. They asked themselves, “Don’t
kids realize the grief we’re sparing them from, if they’d only listen to our
lectures?”
Looking back, I now see kids don’t
learn well from a parent’s lecture. They do learn from engaging
experiences, moments from which a parent can host a conversation and teach a
life lesson. The need for a parent, then, is to cultivate environments and
experiences for our kids to grow from. Our goal must shift from control to connect.
Control is a myth—as any parent of a teenager will tell you. What they need are
experiences that teach them how to operate effectively in the world.
When our kids are rescued or
over-indulged, their social, emotional, spiritual and intellectual muscles can
atrophy because they’re not exercised, so it’s our duty as parents to let them
face measured hardships that ultimately help them grow. For example, I learned
conflict resolution on a baseball field, where my friends and I had to umpire
our own games; I learned discipline by tossing newspapers on driveways at 5:30
a.m. each morning; I learned patience sitting on a bench as a second-string
basketball player; and I cultivated a work ethic closing a fast food restaurant
each night at 11:00 p.m. Far too often today, parents safeguard kids from many
of these experiences.
3. I would risk more and rescue
less.
We live in a world that warns us of
danger at every turn. Toxic. High voltage. Flammable. Slippery when wet.
Steep curve ahead. Don’t walk. Hazard. This “safety first” preoccupation
emerged over thirty years ago with the Tylenol scare and with children’s faces
appearing on milk cartons. We became fearful for our kids, so we put knee-pads,
safety belts and helmets on them… at the dinner table. (Just kidding on that
one). The truth is, we’ve insulated our kids from anything that is risky.
Unfortunately, over-protecting our
young people has had an adverse effect on them.
According to research from the University of
Sheffield:
Children of risk-averse parents have
lower test scores and are slightly less likely to attend college than offspring
of parents with more tolerant attitudes toward risk … Aversion to risk may
prevent parents from making inherently uncertain investments in their
children’s human capital; it’s also possible that risk attitudes reflect
cognitive ability, researchers say.
Sadly, adults continue to vote to
remove playground equipment from parks so kids won’t have accidents, as well as
request that teachers stop using red ink as they grade papers and even cease
from using the word “no” in class. “It’s all too negative,” they say. Forgive
me—but while I understand the intent to protect students, we are seriously
failing at getting them ready for a world that is anything but risk-free.
As kids grow older, psychologists in
Europe are discovering the adverse effects of this overprotection. Interviews
reveal that young adults who grew up in risk-free environments are now fearful
of normal risks because they never took any risks as kids. The truth is, kids
need to fall a few times to learn it’s normal — they may even need to skin
their knee. Teens likely need to break up with a girlfriend to appreciate the
emotional maturity that lasting relationships require.
4. I would be less concerned with
schools and more with skills.
Many parents I’ve spoken to work
hard to position their kids to get into the best colleges possible. We bought
into the tradition that the right school guarantees a great career. What many
don’t realize is that the rules are changing. More and more employers are
begging for skills sets, sometimes soft-skills, that many graduates simply
don’t possess. Nearly three-quarters of hiring managers complain that
Millennials — even those with college degrees — aren’t prepared for the job
market and lack an adequate “work ethic,” according to a survey from Bentley University. In other words, the jobs were
ready, but the kids weren’t, and to be frank, I don’t know one employer who’s
asking about GPA in the interview.
What our kids need are life skills,
developed in earlier work experiences. These skills can’t be developed in a
classroom, but in real tasks that require risk.
Childhood may be about safety and
self-esteem, but as a student matures, risk and achievement are necessities in
forming their identity and confidence. According to a study by University College
London, risk-taking behavior peaks during adolescence. This is when they must
learn, via experience, the consequences of certain behaviors. Our failure to
let them risk this may explain why so many young adults still live at home,
haven’t started their careers, or have yet to experience a serious relationship.
Normal risk-taking at 14 or 15 would have prepared them for decisions that
require risks, such as moving away from home, launching a career, or getting
married.
5. I would spend less on possessions
and more on perspective.
The number one growing demographic
of at-risk kids are teens who come from upper-middle class homes. Why? The
more resources they have, the less resourceful they become. Possessions
without perspective can lead to real trouble. If I were to do the parenting
thing over, I would reward less and rewind more. Instead of giving them all
this stuff, I would take the time to debrief experiences and offer perspective
on them. Less ribbons and more reality… offered with tender, loving care.
Over the years, I learned my kids
needed an equal but opposite dose of both autonomy and responsibility. Whenever
they requested autonomy (the ability to act independently and free from adult
supervision), I needed to provide them an equal amount of responsibility. One
without the other creates unhealthy young adults. If my son wanted to borrow
the family car for the night, he needed to fill the tank with gas. Teens who
get lots of autonomy with little or no responsibility become brats.
In summary, I would prepare the
child for the path, not the path for the child.
If you’d like to do deeper and get
specific ideas on healthy parenting, check out my new book Twelve Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid.
- See more at:
http://growingleaders.com/blog/five-changes-id-make-parent/#sthash.pzkvgjfI.dpuf
This
month was a big turning point for my wife and I: we officially became
“empty nesters.” In contemplating this new stage in life, we began to
reflect on the good (and sometimes not-so-good) experiences we had as
parents, on the times in which our parenting skills were tested.
What’s interesting is that throughout the years of working with adults, I’ve seen a unique pattern when it comes to parenting. Many tend to “over-protect and over-connect,” two acts that can potentially limit their kids from maturing properly. In light of these findings, I offer five changes I’d make if I could parent over again:
- See more at: http://growingleaders.com/blog/five-changes-id-make-parent/#sthash.pzkvgjfI.dpuf
What’s interesting is that throughout the years of working with adults, I’ve seen a unique pattern when it comes to parenting. Many tend to “over-protect and over-connect,” two acts that can potentially limit their kids from maturing properly. In light of these findings, I offer five changes I’d make if I could parent over again:
- See more at: http://growingleaders.com/blog/five-changes-id-make-parent/#sthash.pzkvgjfI.dpuf
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