"Sticks and stones may break my bones," but a lack of intimacy will hurt me too!

On Fridays I have started a series that is addressing the importance of modeling gospel driven marriages. God is the Architect of the brilliant plan to capture the hearts of the generations through His families (Malachi 4:6). God has designed the family to be the channel to pass on His plan for redemption to the next generation (Genesis 12:1-3; Psalm 78:3-8). NBFamilies are working to discover providential opportunities where - traditional parents, single parents, grand parents, step parents, foster parents - can experience God’s life changing presence in their homes.

Let this sink in:

• Our kid’s hearts are being shaped by observing our marriages.
• Our kid’s faith is being influenced by observing how we treat each other as husband and wife.
• Our kid’s faith, their ability to trust, their sense of safety and security, is either being bolstered or being destroyed every day, as they watch us.
• Since marriage is a metaphor for God’s love for His church, (Ephesians 5:25-32) what are our kids learning as they study how we relate to one another?

Our kids observe how we speak to each other. They also evaluate how invested their parents are in one another, based upon how they perceive they communicate. Communication, especially in marriage, is so important that it is frequently addressed in Scripture. Read these passages to be reminded that the Bible extols the value of communication.

• Proverbs 18:13;
• Proverbs 29:11;
• Proverbs 12:18;
• Ephesians 4:24-27;
• James 1:19

Communication isn’t easy. When communication is successful it involves self-revelation on the part of one individual and active listening on the part of another. Not only does communication take a lot of time and effort, it is the one factor that can make or break a marriage.Research tells us that most men are less likely to labor at communicating. Also, most wives have more words to express themselves than do their husbands. Further, wives are regularly frustrated when their husbands are reluctant to converse with them. Although the process can be difficult, it is worth the effort.

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There are several increasingly intimate levels of communication. Each spouse has a profound need to be heard at the deepest levels. Sadly, spouses will settle for the shallowest levels of communication. Most couples start off with a soaring, positive, intimate level of communication. Neither person can ever imagine the relationship disintegrating into a superficial rut. But, unknowingly, this slippery slope will happen if a couple isn’t intentional about maintaining intimate levels of communication Desirable, confirming, cherished communication is the reason why couples will fall in love and want to get married.However, over time, monotony, anger, irritation, and resentment build up to the point that neither couple wants to risk being vulnerable and transparent at a more intimate level. When words get interpreted more and more negatively, when expressions, which are said in a neutral tone, are misinterpreted and taken personally, when a value neutral comment starts another battle, the couple is in serious trouble. If a couple cannot communicate at an intimate level in the future is bleak. Divorce is not the solution, but it begins to look like a better option than existing in a shallow, bitter, and hostile marriage. There is a solution. It is intimate Gospel-like communication.
Take a moment, right now, and evaluate the depth of intimacy in your conversations with your spouse. The healthiest marriages share a deep sense of meaning and purpose. They are not content with just “getting along.” They support each other’s hopes and dreams and build a sense of purpose into their lives together. Read the levels of communication intimacy below. If you discover that you are communicating at shallow level, you are going to want to share this list with your spouse and have an uncomfortable conversation about returning to a deeper level of intimacy.

1. ”Clichés.” Clichés serve to acknowledge someone’s presence, but they have little essential meaning or intimacy. Clichés are value neutral and zero depth of intimacy. Examples of clichés between spouses are:
   • “Good morning (night)!”
   • “Hi, hello, hey there.”
   • “How are you?”
   • ”Fine!”
   Clichés are not wrong, however, they are too shallow if they are not flavored with a genuine smile, a warm embrace, an intentional and sincere tone. Clichés have very shallow level of intimacy if they are the only means of communication between spouses. Deeper needs of intimacy will not be met with clichés alone.

“Just the Facts.” Facts alone serve to deliver accurate information. All healthy relationships require exchanges of facts.

“What time you getting up in the morning?”
• “When are you getting home from work?”
• “Can you pick up the kids from school?”
• “Let’s meet for dinner at 6:00.”
• “I have to work late.”

Accurate information Is critical for a young family to function. Further, information and the need to communicate facts increases exponentially as a family grows and becomes more active (jobs, school responsibilities, sports participation, church involvement, etc.). If the level of “just the facts” is the only level of communication that is ever experienced, the relationship can appear to be only a task or a duty. This level of communication is not enough for a growing relationship.

"Feelings:" Feelings are often fickle. They can change based upon minor adjustments and a tweaked understanding. Feelings sometimes cannot be trusted. However, feelings can reveal important realities. Feeling shouldn’t be ignored. When a spouse communicates a feeling, they are making themselves transparent and vulnerable. Indeed, communicating feelings requires making ourselves vulnerable. Feelings must not be invalidated by the other spouse. This is a prescription for mounting frustration and eventual withdrawal or stonewalling from future intimacy. Although feelings are often erratic and unpredictable, they also express a deeper level of trust and intimacy that must be treated with care and concern.

“Opinions and Convictions.” Opinions and convictions are what motivates us to action. Your spouse has a unique view. They have a perspective that desires to be heard and appreciated. Your spouse yearns for you to know not just what they think, but why they think that way. Convictions are often expressed with passion. When you can tap into your spouses excitement and enthusiasm, you have won. Spouses have a need to know, with certainty, that their perspective is known and valued. They crave to be assured that they bring significance to the relationship. When opinions and convictions are expressed, even if the other spouse does not share the same view, it is wise for the other spouse to pay attention and take notice. This is a deeper level of intimacy. This is when a spouse feels affirmed and valued.

“Communicating Needs.” Communicating needs is the deepest level of communication. Spouses, based upon bad past exchanges, tend to shy away from conflict. Neither spouse wants to trouble or inconvenience one another. In an effort to keep peace, each spouse will let other spouse’s needs supersede his or her own. Over time, and more bad exchanges and conflicts, some spouses find it difficult to articulate their needs, their personal goals, and their own desires. Instead, they rely on “mind-reading,” believing their partners should intuitively know what they need without them having to say anything. This is also a prescription for mounting frustration and eventual withdrawal or stonewalling from future intimacy.

If “communicating needs” is the deepest level of communication, then spouses must be intentional about making time for it. It is worth the risk of inconvenience, trouble, or conflict to address your needs. When needs are unmet and expressing them is stuffed then tension and dissatisfaction will build. It will create feelings of chronic anger and contempt towards your spouse. Tension, dissatisfaction, anger, and contempt are conditions that will invariably lead to the failure of your relationship. To keep your marraige strong and growing, it’s up to both spouses to make your needs clearly known.


Jesus doesn't promise you will always have perfect intimacy in your marriage, but He promises you can have an eternal anchor for your soul: THE GOSPEL (John 16:33). Our kids need to see what it looks like to follow Christ more than they need to hear what we say it is like to follow Christ. Parents are the models of following Christ. This is no easy task. Yet there is no better way to teach them than to show them. Our kids need to see us struggle, mess up, yet reply with gospel centered reaction.
Our responses to one another, especially in the arguments, must be graceful and gospel centered:

1. Mistakes are made,
2. Grace is offered,
3. Forgiveness is experienced,
4. Repentance causes change and
5. Mercy is enjoyed!

The gospel response is always the best response and this is how our kid’s faith will be influenced. Is it time to have a conversation with you spouse and begin living a gospel centered marriage? That is my prayer for you. God bless our marriages!

Dr. Phil Sallee, Pastor
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Is Character Building an "Event' or a "Process"?

This is another great read by Tim Elmore that talks about character building. As you read his blog below, think about being the spiritual leader of your home, and what role you play in the character building of your son(s) and/or daughter(s). What will Jesus say about your spiritual leadership as you help mold them with the character of Christ? Will he say "well done, my good and faithful servant"?

 

How Athletes Hide Behind Their Talent

photo credit: Huskie Outsider via photopin cc

During this time of year, professional sports teams say they care deeply about a draft prospect’s character. They tell us it matters to them if a player has a history of arrests, suspensions or violations, like smoking pot or abusing a girlfriend. But soon, all this talk evaporates as teams in the NBA, MLB and NFL search for players who will help them win games and make money. As one AFC general manager said:

“Talent always trumps character.”

Another NFC general manager echoed this sentiment: “Understand the sliding scale of all of this when you’re dealing with some of the top talent in the nation. That’s the contradiction… If you have a very, very talented individual who has a character issue, you’re a lot more apt to accept them than someone who is more of a midline talent. That’s just the way it is.”

Unfortunately, this happens in athletic programs all across the nation—recruiters focus on ability and results over character, and as a result, athletes with questionable integrity find their way onto major teams. It shouldn’t be this way.

“In the draft, teams rarely miss when it comes to talent,” writes ESPN reporter Ashley Fox. “Everything is quantifiable, from the basics of height, weight, wingspan and hand size to 40-yard dash time, vertical jump and bench press… There are statistics and measurables. It is hard to miss on skill.

“No… teams make mistakes on character. It happens all the time. Character is more than an arrest record. It is more than work ethic. It is more than any psychological test can reveal, because you can’t test a player’s heart. You can’t test his will. And you can’t test how he will react to suddenly having more money in his pocket than he ever imagined. Character is what teams miss on. Some accept the risk of taking a player with a questionable background, either because the head coach has ultimate power and wants to win now or because they believe they have the structure and the locker room to handle it.”

How Players Hide

The story of Aaron Hernandez is a perfect example of this situation. No doubt, there were several questions about Hernandez when he came out of Florida. He dropped to a fourth round draft pick because teams questioned his behavior off the field and whether they’d be able to babysit him as a pro. Eventually, New England took a calculated risk and recruited him. They could not have been more mistaken.

Just like we’ve always heard “love is blind,” I believe “lust is blind.” When we lust after talent, wins or money, we don’t see straight as coaches and staff. We hear the stories that should give us pause, but somehow, we can’t think clearly. We somehow think this player will be an exception, that we can handle him.

Really coach? Will you handle him? Can you spend extra time mentoring this young man who may have never had a healthy male role model? Will you help this gifted young player begin a “process” of discipline that may be foreign to his lifestyle? Will you help him fall in love with the process, not just the glamour of a game?

Analogy: In 2002, a 19-year old garbage collector won $15 million dollars. He spent it on gambling, drugs and prostitutes. Today, he’s now a garbage collector again. He may have been a millionaire, but he never learned the lifestyle it takes to earn a million dollars, which would have enabled him to manage it and increase it. It was an “event,” not a “process,” that put him on top.

In a sense, possessing a big talent is a little like winning millions of dollars in the lottery. This “event” cannot replace the “process” of growth one must experience in order to live up to it. Truth be told, many American’s have won the lottery and gone broke within two years of winning millions of dollars. Why? The “win” never built discipline inside of them. It gave them the illusion that they were untouchable and invincible. But we all know that’s not true. Money runs out. Talent runs out.

How We Discover What’s Inside

I love meeting coaches and athletic staff that understand this issue. They offer second chances to athletes who need them, but they never compromise on building the process of discipline inside the athlete.

At Growing Leaders, we use Habitudes® for Athletes for this process. Each Habitude is a distinctive image that communicates a timeless character ideal in a way that’s relevant to athletes. Here are a few important Habitudes to keep in mind as you work to develop the character of your athletes:

1. Talk about the price tag before you hop into the “taxi cab.”
   The Taxi Principle reminds us: we must never get into a taxicab without first asking how much the ride will cost. Good coaches count the cost before taking on players who may be trouble. Do you have extra time to develop their hearts as well as their talents?

2. Be sure you have enough “thermostats” in the locker room.
   Never take on questionable character without strong, character-filled leaders in the locker room who influence the team. Are your leaders “thermostats” for the team… players that can turn the temperature up?

3. Be willing to play “chess” not “checkers” with your players.
   Chess and Checkers reminds us that each team member is like a chess piece. You must treat them differently, based on their strengths, weaknesses and personalities, in order to enable them to be their best. Will you give them this effort?

4. Work on the portion of the “iceberg” below the surface.
   You understand an iceberg, right? 10% is visible, just like talent. But 90% is invisible, just like character. Spend time working on your team’s disciplines and values below the surface. It will make or break them.

“I look at character first,” one head coach said. “If I’m leaning toward a guy that is borderline character, then I look at the strength of my leaders that will be returning to the team that particular year. Bad character guys off the field I normally would take off my board.”

What are your thoughts? How do you encourage strong character on your team?

Tribute: A Truly Great Grandma—Betty Jo Gifford

Over the past weekend, Jamie’s grandmother, Betty Jo Gifford, passed away. She was truly a wonderful example of how to love one’s family and find the greatest enjoyment in some of the most simple things in life. 

If you knew the full story you would
understand how beautiful this picture is!

There are so many wonderful things that Grandma Betty brought to all those who interacted with her. Betty was married to “Curly,” Jamie’s grandpa until he passed away a few years ago. They had moved to Rockport several decades ago. Aunt Barbara had lived with them their entire life and became one of the most talented and loving helpers for Jamie’s grandma and grandpa. When you meet Barb, you immediately sense her love and friendliness to all strangers. 

Jamie’s grandma was a woman full of love for her family. There are so many fond memories that Jamie and her family had shared about their trips to Rockport growing up. Grandma Betty was so vibrant and filled with a positive attitude that she turned every rainy day into shining opportunity for enjoyment. 

There are many little songs that Jamie had learned as a child from her grandma that she sang with each of our boys as they were little babies and toddlers. When we would go visit, Grandma Betty had tears in her eyes as she got to sing those same songs with each of the boys. 

One of her favorite things to do was to have us gather around in the living room as she would tell stories that would go on for hours. Anytime we visited, we planned on sitting in her little living room for hours upon hours as she told us stories of things from the past as well as recent.

Now, if you know me, you know one of my very favorite things is anything around a body of water. I grew up going to the lake and was mesmerized by the ocean the first time I saw it. The ocean is probably my favorite place to be. So, when I first started going with Jamie down to see her grandma I was so excited because she lives literally a couple of blocks off the bay in Rockport. She had a huge, beautiful, lush yard decorated with beautiful landscaping and flowers. The smell and breeze of the ocean swept softly through the air anytime you were standing in her yard. 

Here's Grandma Betty with Jack before she passed. 

So here we were a couple of blocks off of the ocean, but somehow we would spend four…five…six hours a day inside her tiny gingerbread house listening to story after story. She loved telling stories of when Jamie, Greg, and Deidre were all small and the things they had done. Sometimes as we were leaving after being there for a few days, I had this gnawing feeling in my stomach as we drove north looking at the ocean over my right shoulder on the way out of town—“we didn’t spend as much time in the ocean as I wanted!” But I was quickly reminded of the quality time spent in that small little living room listening to family stories. And Jamie usually had a huge smile on her face after catching up with her grandma over those few days. Before the boys were born, we used to go down there two or three times a year. And after the boys were born, it became one of their favorite places to visit. In the last couple of years, with all of the transitions and unforeseen things that popped up, we hadn’t been able to visit as much, but the memories formed and the love expressed will last a lifetime! 

Grandma Betty was a small-town celebrity who was well known for her fishing ability and the shell shop she had in her home. 

There is a fishing pier that stretches over two miles as you enter the north end of Rockport. It is not only a place of beautiful views looking out into Copano and Aransas Bay, but it is some of the best fishing along the entire southern gulf coast. Grandma Betty spent over forty years pulling her little red wagon (it weighed over 70 lbs with her fishing tackle) out to a certain “secret spot” on that pier where she landed some of the largest fish of anyone in the area. She had been featured in the local paper several times for the size of the fish she caught. After several large catches and more and more people recognizing her as a staple on the pier, that local newspaper ran a special story on her fishing expertise. She knew exactly what bait worked in every season and with the different tidal systems. 

After our wedding, Jamie and I went to Rockport and stayed on the ocean that entire week for our honeymoon. Grandma Betty took us fishing and I was bound and determined to “beat her” my first time fishing with her. It didn’t happen. She caught more and bigger fish than Jamie and I put together. She even had the gall to laugh at me when I tried to apply bass fishing ideas to her local pier fishing expertise. We went fishing several times with her in the coming years. I think she liked watching a 220-pound ex-football player struggling to pull her 70+ pound fishing wagon over a mile out onto that pier. She would just laugh seeing me sweating and heaving her “little wagon.” 

Grandma Betty was also a livewire! She loved it when I called her “wild woman,” an endearing term I use for lots of women. I don’t mean it to imply that they are really wild or anything of the sort. But on one of my first trips down there, Betty told us she had a huge surprise to show us, but was a little weary because she was afraid we might thing bad of her. We had no idea what this surprise was. As we arrived, she immediately had us sit in the living room, and began to tell us how much she had grieved over the loss of Greg (Jamie’s brother who had been killed at 16 by a drunk driver). She was telling us of her love and hurt for the loss of Greg. And then she moves over toward me, as I’m seated in a corner chair, and tells us that she understands if we think less of her for what she’s about to show us…and then as she’s standing in front of me with me looking over her shoulder at Jamie’s face, who has no idea what’s going on either, and then she pulls down her top a little…to reveal a tattoo simply saying “Gregory” right above her heart. 

Whewwwww! It got very intense those last few seconds and we had no idea what she was doing. She was actually afraid that we were somehow against tattoos as some people are. She was so relieved when I pulled my sleeve up to reveal my tattoo of my family name that I got on Father’s Day as a tribute to my dad years before. She was elated and in tears again! 

Grandma Betty also had a shell shop in her small little house. Betty and Barb had this beautiful little shell shop where they sold handcrafted items. Tourists as well as locals found their way back to her little cottage to find gifts, Christmas ornaments and trees, as well as jewelry that Betty and Barb handcrafted from shells she had collected. In the early years, she used to go along the beaches in Rockport collecting sea shells. In the later years, she was able to buy shells from a local place that collected and sold them. She had many couples who made her little shop an immediate stop as they traveled through or visited Rockport for the winter season. Many people from the northeast parts of the U.S., whom she called, “winter Texans,” came to Rockport to live for the bitter winter months. These people loved Betty and Barb and their beautiful shell shop. They were always greeted with smiles, warmth, and great stories. 

This may be where Jamie gets some of her “creative” desires! Betty would have loved Pinterest! Barb is very creative as well with great abilities in music, piano, and her artwork. 

Another favorite of Betty and Barb’s every time we visited was to gather around the keyboard as Barb would play some old hymns and we would all sing together as a family. It was really special the last couple of times down there because our boys all got to sing with us these songs that meant so much to Betty and Barb, as well as them getting to hear Barb’s ability on the keyboard. Sometimes, we would sing the same two or three songs, over and over. Two of their favorites were “Do Lord,” and “I Saw The Light.” 

One of the most valuable and lasting things we can do is to leave a legacy of faith and love in our families. As stated many times in many different leadership and spiritual resources, when a person gets to their deathbed and they have to look back on their life—will there be regrets as to how we lived and what we lived for? 

Some people live for money or the possessions of this world. 

No one on their deathbed ever thinks, “If only I had spent more time working more hours…” or “If only I had acquired more possessions…” 

At that point, sometimes regrettably too late for many, many people, they realize that time with family and the ones they love should have been the most important thing they lived for. 

Betty lived and loved the way a mother and grandmother does in leaving a loving legacy for all their offspring. What a beautiful thing to see how love is more powerful than anything we could earn or possess!

We love Grandma Betty and will miss her as long as we're here on earth. Hopefully, Lord willing, we can become parents and grandparents who love our children and grandchildren with the true love of Christ--pointing them to the love, forgiveness, grace, and mercy found in Jesus Christ. 

Sankie P. Lynch

No Leftovers

Today I’d like to tell you a little bit about my friend Steve. Steve loves to cook. I mean, he LOVES to cook! And he’s pretty great at it. If there is an opportunity to put something tasty together, especially for a large group, Steve is all over it. I enjoy cooking from time to time, but honestly, the thought of just preparing a meal for my wife and kids is often overwhelming enough… Fortunately, that’s not the case for Steve.

Last week, a certain family pastor that shall go unnamed, forgot he had scheduled to host a dinner for a local football team. It had been planned for months and it was on my, I mean, this guy’s calendar, but I…or rather, he just forgot to finalize the details. So with only 48 hours until the event, guess who got the call? Yep, it was Steve. And while most would have been insulted to be asked to take on such a huge task on short notice, Steve replied with, “I’d love to!”

Steve with his beautiful wife Elain

So Steve spent most of his Thursday in our church kitchen, just cooking away. Later that evening he served an amazing pasta meal to a group of over 70 players and coaches – guys that he didn’t even know. He hung around and cleaned up and then headed home. Who does that?! It doesn’t sound fun to me at all, but Steve gets a thrill out of it. Of course, if I were as talented with the spatula and ladle, perhaps I’d don the apron a little more often. And truly it is a talent. Anyone that has joined us at one of our summer youth camps knows that Steve gets great pleasure in sharing his giftedness, almost as much happiness as those who have the opportunity to enjoy his food.

Steve & his daughter Callie @ the Barnyard Bash

Here’s the deal, preparing meals is more than a hobby for Steve; it’s his ministry. Have you heard the old saying:“The way to one’s heart, is often through their stomach.”? That seems to be his motto. Over the years I’ve seen this gentleman bless others simply by using his special interest and skill-set. How awesome to see someone like Steve, acknowledging his gifts and not withholding them, but realizing he has been blessed to be a blessing! Hooray for him and hooray for anyone allowed to dine at his table…but what about you? Are you sharing your unique giftedness? Do you recognize the specific ways the Lord has created you? Have you identified the ways that you’ve been called to love your family, friends, community, and church?

Some pastors have been called to feed the sheep, while some like Steve have been called to literally feed the sheep. Both play a vital role in the kingdom. However, those are not the only parts to play. What might your calling be? What skills and resources should you be gladly giving? Have you asked for help in deciphering your particular role? And if you’re aware of it, but simply not sharing…why? Our gifts are like a great meal; they should be shared with others, leaving no leftovers.

Matt Fowler - NBC Family Pastor of HS