To React or to Respond... That is the question

My wife is not only an accomplished volleyball player but she played and coached Division 1 (Go Golden Hurricane) for many years.  Knowing this about my wife is one thing, but finding out in-person is another.  One day several years ago I made the mistake to go "play" some volleyball with her and a group of old players.  I was not too concerned upon arrival knowing I myself was a college athlete and had picked up a few things from watching friends compete in volleyball at school.  Don't get too ahead of me here!!!  It only took two solid "blocks" with my face before I really wanted to know the difference in what my wife was shouting: "You have to respond Jeff... You keep reacting!"  

To me, the average guy, I saw the hitter go up and I embraced for impact... At best I kept my eyes open and once the ball was hit tried to move my arms high enough to return the hit.  This however, is Not responding but only reacting.  What Courtney was trying to tell me was you have to read what they are wanting to do and adjust accordingly.  From years of preparation and practice she was able to determine not just who was going to hit the ball but where it would be hit once it came off the hitters hand!  She took into consideration: who was on the court, how many blockers were at the net, which way her hips were facing, what she had done several plays earlier, etc.  And so in responding she was able to "dig" or return virtually every hit by our opponents... As long as I got my face out of the way!! 

In parenting I see a perfect parallel for us think on...  

Let me paint a quick picture for you:  It's 12:27am and you've called and texted a half a dozen times but have heard nothing.  You have your spouse call your phone to make sure it is working properly.  You check the news to see if there was any big accidents and are just getting ready to text their best friend when... "I'm so sorry!!  I didn't see that you called until just now when I was walking in!!  Can I just have a second, okay third, chance"

How many times have you had this conversation?  Are you being that strict!?  All you are asking for is a simple phone call or even text if you're going to be running late, is that too much to ask!?  What if...

Do you React or Respond?

Are you prepared to respond?  I bet when you think about it you can see some common behaviors that have surfaced.  I bet you can probably guess that at some point the boundaries will be tested (and probably already have).  I bet you can even predict that some choices change depending on who they are with and what they went out to do.

"Reacting is based on emotion, which we all know is rampant when dealing with a teenager.  

We Respond to the situation when we step back from the emotion and take a moment to think through what is really going on.  It’s not easy!  Parents, the secret is out. The map to your “buttons” has been published, and your teen will push them…Repeatedly!!  But we do our own share of pushing, don’t we?  You know what makes your teenager crazy and sometimes, just sometimes, it feels really good to give them a good share of their own medicine.  At least for a moment, until we realize we have done exactly what we are trying to teach them NOT to do!" (by ParentMinistry.net)

Three quick things to consider when rewiring ourselves to Respond:

• Discipline is about Training not about Punishment... It's not just to remember the ouch but the why.  Know why you said no. If it doesn’t make sense, have the courage to retract it.  Second chances are always necessary when it comes to our teens.  Grace always gives a redo. Give yourself grace too.
• Breathing… it gives you a moment to lower your blood pressure.  The part of our teen’s brain that controls reasoning is still underdeveloped at this point.  They use a different part of the brain geared towards instinctual decisions or risk taking.  Peer pressure is a large influence in our teen’s decisions.  At this point of our teen’s development, they are trying to become independent of us.
• Develop Contracts for the major occasions (Cell Phone, Driving, etc.)  Clearly communicate the expectations and consequences, as well as, the desires of both the parent and the teenager.  Make a plan for when trust is broken, so that it can be restored allowing the relationship between parent and teenager to grow.  Agree together ahead of time how to handle the unexpected events. 

"Your teen’s personality can play a large part of how they respond to certain situations.  Some are sensitive and appear not to react outwardly.  But that doesn’t mean a thing.  Inwardly they could be screaming at you.  Some teens are passionately vocal.  They are very certain you know exactly how they feel.  They all deserve our respect and guidance.  Reacting is easy, responding isn’t.  Responding shows your teen that you love them enough to stop for a moment and make sure what you are saying or doing is based on truth and not emotion.  Reacting can be a really selfish act.  We want to get our point across at all costs.  Sometimes the cost is just a little too high.  It can cost the trust our teens have in us.  Can your teen trust that you will respond and not react to any given situation.  Have the courage to ask your teen if you respond or react and then give them permission to tell you how they wish you would handle these situations.  It takes a brave and humble parent to realize that before we can teach our teens this concept maybe we should learn it for ourselves!" (by ParentMinistry.net)

For some of us resolving conflict in a healthy way is difficult because of our own baggage growing up.  Perhaps you were raised in a home that had a “take no prisoners” mentality when it came to conflict.  Win at all costs was the name of the game.  You learned early on that your job was to watch your own back, defend yourself, and never back down... But if you are willing to develop new habits and value loving more than being declared right, then your whole family wins!!

May we strive to 'be' before we 'do'... May we love and forgive the way You love and forgive... May we be so blessed to have hope for tomorrow... May our kids feel and know the love we have for them... May we always point them back to You!!  

The Bergs

**Follow Jeff (Family Pastor of High School), also known as "surgeberg" on: Facebook, Twitter & Instagram

T4G (Together 4 The Gospel) & The Pastor in the Public Square

This is "Geek Week" for me. We all have things that we geek out on. For some it's hunting and fishing. For others its Star Wars and Battlestar Galactica. For others its sports teams. Earlier in life I thought that was going to be what I spent most of my free time enjoying. Somehow, for me, this ended up being rich theological contemplative thought. I don't know how this happened. It was never hunting or fishing. It was never video games. It was never science or math. It used to be sports. So how did this happen to me? Why me??

I was talking with a guy a few weeks ago at church and it was the first time we had ever really got into any kind of conversation. We are new at New Beginnings and his family is fairly new and checking out the church. Within one minute he began to tell me some of the books that have influenced him the most over the past decade. He rattled off four or five books. Excitedly, I rattled off three or four similar books written in the same vein. We were both caught in a moment. His wife interrupted our newly discovered bond of brotherhood with "Hey, you guys are totally geeking out. About books! I'm going to pick up the kids to leave you two alone." 

That was embarrassing.  We were caught. Like two young boys caught giddy over their recently opened video game. So this week I'm geeking out with 8,000 other men who understand this odd fascination. 

As I write this I’m sitting in a parking garage 3 floors under the ground in downtown Louisville at the KFC Yum! Center. Yesterday was the first day of a class I’m taking at Southern Seminary titled “The Pastor in the Public Square.” This morning is the first annual Conference on the Council On Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. This afternoon the T4G Conference begins. It’s four days packed with some brilliant thinkers, pastors, and theologians. There’s several main sessions with many breakout workshops between those sessions. 

The theme of the larger conference, T4G, is “The Unashamed Gospel.”

The class, “The Pastor in the Public Square” has the purpose of equipping and challenging pastors to think through the nature and degree to which they should engage in cultural issues. 

Some of the cultural issues facing Christianity are not new to the fight—though some may think that’s the case. As President Al Mohler has been so consistently arguing for awhile now, the culture we greet in America is growing more and more toward first century Christianity. 

So the main issues facing believers may seem to be more hostile than ever, but that’s not looking through the lens of church history. In the first century, Christianity faced rampant paganism, idolatry, multi-faceted sexual immorality, breakdown at the core level of marriage and family, slavery, abortion and child sacrifices, governmental abuses, social injustices, and rare religious liberties. That was the predominant culture of many of the cities that Paul faced as he entered in bringing the hope of the recently crucified Savior of the world. 

Some questions being processed are:

What has changed so that cultural issues are now chasing down pastors in order to confront them in the public square? 

Are we currently in a culture war? —Or has the culture war already been lost? 

How should Christians and Pastors engage in cultural issues in the public square? 

How do followers of Christ engage in culture and hold to absolute moral truths from the Bible when you’re immediately labeled as an intolerant bigot? 

If religious liberties continue to be lost on the judicial and legislative territories—how do Pastors lead their people to still engage on ethical issues? 

If religious liberties continue to be lost—how are believers to protect their families and churches in ever-increasing attack? 

These are difficult and complex spiritual issues that have thousands of implications on practical daily choices and living. We need to contemplate and think deeply about how the gospel of Christ can be clarified in a way where our love is seen through engagement, gentleness, humility, service and truth. We need to be careful not to engage in order to “prove we are right!” but instead because Jesus Christ and His cross is the greatest and only hope this world still has and the only hope in all eternity. 

Sankie P. Lynch

Pastor of Families

www.nbchurch.info

www.nbfamilies.info

sankie@nbchurch.info

Life as devotional...

It’s a simple yet profound thought is it not? Live life in such a way that everything we do is for the worship and glory of God. This means our studies are to be for Him. Our summer sports and extracurricular involvements are for Him. Our marriage, our jobs, our entertainment and leisure… You guessed it, all of this is to be lived for the Lord.

We are a busy family with no one to blame but ourselves. Each of our three kiddos play sports, we are all pretty involved with our church, I’m currently working on a seminary degree, and we look to make time for relationships whenever we can. While there are weeks that I wish we were hermits with nothing whatsoever on the calendar, that’s not usually the case. Even when we are drained from a month chalked full of plans, we are grateful to be tired from such things. We have said, “yes” to lots of things that we believe are significantly valuable. Meeting with friends for lunch or coffee, belonging to a small group, being involved in the kids’ school system, even allowing each of our children to participate in competitive sports, these things are all calculated and on purpose. When we are able to do these things with laser-focussed intentionality, they’re awesome! Through our involvement in various arenas, we’ve been blessed with relationships that mutually challenge and encourage. We have also discovered unique opportunities to engage people outside of the church culture with the hope of the Gospel.

However, whenever we have gone too long with too little focus, these activities lose some of their value. If I may be so candid, it seems that when we forget the reason we signed-up for our smorgasbord of involvement, it just becomes a hectic schedule of things to do. Get to practice, go to the game, turn in the assignment, find time for this, and don’t forget about that… The desire to live devotionally can be quickly replaced with the desperation to survive. The tension between engaging the world without being conformed to it is very real. Pursuing life with the knowledge that God has gifted us and wired us to enjoy certain things for His glory can seamlessly shift into me fulfilling my own selfish pleasures under the guise or cliche of "missional living".

Are our boys playing baseball to have fun, learn life lessons, and make much of Christ along the way or because we (the parents) love baseball and would hate for our athletically gifted sons to fall behind guys they’ll one day be competing against in high school? Am I in seminary to be challenged and stretched to grow in my understanding of the Holy Scriptures for the sake of being a faithful minister of the Gospel or to simply improve my resume? Or to be even more transparent, am I doing it to alleviate some of my own insecurities? Well, the answers to such questions are quite complex. I know what I wish the answers were and yet I can’t honestly give those as a response.

Quick example, then I’ll close. A few weeks back I had a busy work week. There were many responsibilities I had to fulfill at the church. The kids had several games and I wanted to be there for them if at all possible. The week also provided some unforeseen relational ministry opportunities that were too important to ignore. Now, my seminary professor had no way of knowing this ahead of time when he created his syllabus, which as you might have guessed, offered the most challenging work week of the semester up to that point. So, my wife and I sat down and made a plan of attack. We created some deadlines and places where we could sacrifice some time to make everything happen. Again, all of these things had been strategically chosen beforehand and prioritized – these were “good” things. We didn’t take on a lot of extra. It was just a FULL week. Believe it or not, we actually were able to make almost everything happen. I even got my homework for the week finished and submitted at the last minute… Oh but wait, there was a system error of some sort and my paper didn’t go through!!!

Now, in the moments that ensued, I grew furious and threw quite the tantrum. “I” had done all this work – “I” was present for friends in a time of need, “I” was an involved parent, “I” had taken time for my wife, and “I” had labored to get my school stuff in. Yet now because of something somewhat beyond my control, it appeared “MY” grade would suffer. It wasn’t long before it hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that all I claim to believe about God was not evident in my fit throwing. The purpose I profess for taking seminary was not actually the case. See, if I truly believed that God is sovereign and knows all things, I would have found comfort in knowing I did my best before Him with the hand I was dealt and that would have been enough. If I’m really in seminary studies as a devotional act to further the Kingdom, then an A dropping to a B, or maybe a B to a C on some stinkin’ transcript doesn’t really matter. If I was honestly obedient in doing the things I was called to do, why would a lesser grade get me so bent out of shape? Well, the short answer is pride. This ugly scene revealed some of the hidden intentions of my heart. It was embarrassing, gross, and disappointing.

But as nasty as it was, as difficult as it was to see such filthy pride in myself, it was a gracious gift from the Father to let me know where I was guilty. As much as I hate being wrong (and I REALLY do), I’d hate not knowing even worse. The issues I share today, they’re mine. They belong to my wife and I – to our family. These are topics we wrestle with from season to season. These are our motives that must be tested regularly…but what about you? What are your issues? What part of your life constantly balances between sacrificial living and selfish longing? Since this type of struggle is ever-present in believers, our growth and joy in Christ will be found as we continue to probe and evaluate the recesses of the heart. May the Lord reveal to us these battlefields of the soul and may His Spirit enable us to fight well as we seek to live this life as devotional.

matt@nbchurch.info     Twitter: @FattMowler     Facebook: TheFattMowler

My Best Blog Post Ever!

Parents Need to STOP cheering for their children????? What????

This is another great read from Tim Elmore's blog, April 2, 2104. I can't believe this is really happening in America. The same America I grew up playing sports. Who thinks up this stuff? Do we really understand the unintended consequences of the decisions we are making? How are you helping or hurting in the shaping your own children and/or grand-children? You have got to read this: 


The Rules We Create When We Lack Emotional Intelligence –
Consider the strange new “rules” our society has created over the last two decades when it comes to managing kids. First, we decided to not keep score at games. We felt losing would become too traumatic for them to handle. Then, it was kids getting to swing at the ball as many times as they want until they hit it. (I understand this move, but it cultivates wrong assumptions and low ambition in kids). Then, we decided to declare everyone a winner—all kids get a trophy just for playing. We have constructed such an artificial world that by the time kids become teens, they often cannot control themselves at sporting events. The state of Kentucky recently declared that high school athletes cannot shake hands after a game. It might start a fight. Really? Yep. They never learned to manage their emotions as a child. They never lost.

Now, we have rules for the grown ups

 According to the Washington Times, “Parents at one Idaho high school were warned if they don’t stop cheering for their child basketball players, they’d be sent to the penalty box for a time out.” Justin Brown, the Recreation Coordinator for Post Falls, said some basketball events are touted as “Silent Cheer Day,” where parents are allowed to hold up signs to support their children on the court—but are banned from yelling. If they are caught, they get a “red penalty card” which sends them to a designated spot in the gym for a full minute. Ouch.

My guess is, you are smiling like I am. At the same time, however, you can understand why a rule like this would surface. Obviously, some over-zealous parents just couldn’t control themselves, and over-did the cheering and screaming. Now adults are treated like kids because some acted like kids. According to Mr. Brown, “cheering can lead to negativity. And it’s a problem.”

What Does This Tell Us About Our Culture?
Frankly, I believe it’s one gigantic commentary on the pitiful state of our emotional intelligence. While America’s IQ has continued to grow over time, our EQ has dropped. Emotional intelligence is the sum total of four ingredients:
• My self-awareness.
• My self-management.
• My social awareness.
• My relationship management.

Decades ago, you didn’t hear about such rules for parents…or kids, for that matter. People embodied a higher level of self-awareness. As a whole, people didn’t want to be seen as obnoxious. They were socially aware—they recognized how others perceived them. Today, people either don’t care or they just don’t know.

So we need more rules.

Instead of equipping a child to handle the cheers of an opponent’s parents, we cut the verbal communication off altogether. Makes sense, doesn’t it? When a society lacks internal virtues, we require more external boundaries. We need behavioral guardrails imposed upon us. The answer isn’t internal fortitude—it’s external censorship. After all, we don’t know better. Stories like this should light a fire inside of us to depend less on external “rules” and more on equipping students to cultivate emotional intelligence; to be self-aware and socially aware; and to care about others and live as part of a larger community.

Sadly, when we create rules like this, it only pays off today. Tomorrow, our kids grow up without the emotional strength to handle adversity. We prepare them for a world that only works if everyday is fair, tranquil, and in their favor. Too bad it’s not like that.

Consider these questions:
• What are you doing to develop the self-awareness of your students?
• What could you do to help students manage their emotions and behavior?
• How can you create a vision for students to become socially aware?
• How do you cultivate relationship skills in your students?

When your training is effective, your need for rules diminishes. What do you think?

Just another story...

The following takes place between 4:00p and 5:00p... events occur in real time 

(Don't know that reference, not only did I just shed a tear, you need to click on this link):

"How was school" I said like every other day when picking up the kids.  "Great, I had a good day" said the oldest with a grin.  "That's awesome, how about you baby?"  "Goooood..." she said while continuing to color on the work of art she had started while waiting in the gym.  "You know what I think would be awesome, we should go get slushies," I said.  "Why?" exclaimed both big kids in unison but a squeal of joy from the youngest.  "Because it's Thursday!" I said with a smirk.  "That doesn't make sense," comments the oldest.  "I just want to bless my beautiful family," I responded. 

9 minutes later... 

"What do you guys want to drink?" I said, expecting a quick response but not prepared for what was to follow.  "Do we have to get a slushie?" asked one.  "What flavors are there" responded another, I guess assuming they changed from the last time we came.  "RED Flushie!!!" shouted the youngest, with confidence.  "No...Tons...Got it!" I said, knowing full well they wouldn't know what I was talking about.  "So Dad, can I get ice-cream with oreos?" asked the oldest.  "Yes sir, thanks for asking buddy!" I said.  "I want what I got last time" commented the middle.  "Alright cool..." extending finger to push the button.  "WAAAAAIT... I WANT TO PUSH THE BUTTON" all three said in a mashing of words.  "I'm going to push it and make the order this time, if that's okay?" I said, secretly praying this would save us from an inevitable fight and noticing we missed 'Happy-Hour' by literally a minute.

12 minutes later...

"DAD!!  This is taking forever" complained the oldest, "You should push the button again and complain."  "Yes, God I'll take that set-up," I thought to myself.  "Buddy what did you do for your drink?"  Looking puzzled, he responded with a solid "Huh!?"  Giving it another shot, I continued: "Are you using your money to buy your snack?  Are you inside making it in the blender?  How long would it take you to make it and then clean-up your mess?"  "Hours!!" he said, I think expecting a laugh.  "Exactly, so shouldn't we just be patient and thankful for this blessing and not angry it's taking longer than we thought?"  "Yes," said muffled since his head was now rested on his arms.  "I'm waiting pashantly Daddy" said the youngest with enthusiasm.  "Thanks baby-girl," trying not to smile too big to anger the oldest yet noticing the masterpiece of art the middle was diligently still working on. 

6 more minutes later...

"Okay.... Dad, you have to admit this is getting ridiculous," extending arms to the ceiling for full effect. "Buddy, it's all good."  "Have you paid already with your card, if not we could just go," he said.  Stunned a little by his observation to the payment method I responded, "I did pay and I think this is a good lesson in pa....."  KNOCK KNOCK, "I've got a small cherry slush, a small strawberry slush and..... I'm sorry, I think that was supposed to be a small sonic blast with oreo, so I'm sorry about that,"  as the server hands me a LARGE blast with oreo.  With a smile exploding his face, the oldest sat in anticipation of his gift directly from the gods!  "Also," said the car hop "here are some tokens for some free limeades the next time you are in, we are so sorry about your wait."  "Thank you," I responded excited about this incredible moment to teach a life lesson.  "Now buddy... though you did nothing for it and even were impatient while waiting for what you felt you deserved, you were given something even better than you thought... Do you really deserve this?"  With his smile faded his arm met the ice-cream with a solid stiff-arm explaining: "I don't deserve it."  "Are you sure," I said not only surprised but frustrated that this massive blast was now melting and going to waste.  "Yes," he said.  Unknowing what to say, I spouted: "It's okay to eat your snack, in fact, I think you should or you'll be wasting money now."  Yes, I blew it!!  "DAD...DAD...DADDY... HELP!!!!!" exclaimed while the middle handed a slush that drained on her, me, the seats, my phone until I could get it out the window, all the while not hitting oncoming cars.  "WAIT, DON'T THROW IT OUT" yelled the youngest, whose apparent drink it was after sticking her straw through the bottom.  "Never again," I thought to myself now holding a broken cup out the window, sticking to everything and I think headed in the right direction for home!!

After days of distance from the incident, and counseling, here's a couple thoughts:

• Faith Walks happen when we are looking for them
• Faith Walks aren't always successful (or so we think)
• Faith Walks only take moments of our time but will be remembered forever
• Faith Walks can teach us just as much as our kids

P.S. My oldest did end up eating part of his ice-cream after sharing it with others.  And thanked God for "getting to go to Sonic and getting a bigger blast than I ordered when I didn't deserve it" when he prayed that night before bed.

May we live each day to the fullest... May we look for ways to bless our kids with Biblical life lessons... May we pass our faith and discipline on to our children... May Your Spirit give us direction in leading others... May Your Son continue to save us each morning... May we never forget the sacrifice You made so we could receive a blessing even better than we thought we deserved!!

The Bergs

**Follow Jeff (Family Pastor of High School), also known as "surgeberg" on: Facebook, Twitter & Instagram

There’s Only One…

As you can see by the pic—we got to take the boys to their first OU Baseball game this past week! Afterwards we found the team bus and took this shot (with cousin Tessa joining us). 

It’s exciting each time we get to take the boys to their “first” of any in a series of events. Hopefully, there will be many more Sooner’s games to watch together. 

It’s true—“There’s Only One Oklahoma Sooners!” (as stated on the bus)

That statement works with lots of things though. There’s only one Oklahoma State Cowboys. There’s only one Sallisaw Black Diamonds. There’s only one ________ (fill in the blank). 

The most significant “There’s only one” statement has to be “There’s only one true God.” All other objects are created things and finite. Therefore, the one being who stands alone as Creator of all things with infinite perfection in all attributes must be set apart in a category all to His own. 

God is set apart. Holy. Righteous. In a class and category all to Himself. His estimation of Himself is in comparison to no other. See Exodus 20:1-3. 

If that is true, it demands a response from us. What do we do in light of this truth?

How do we raise children with this powerful truth at the center of all we do with them? 

One of the most important laws from God that is sometimes overlooked is simply, “The LORD is one. Love the LORD with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might” (Deut. 6:4). When asked what the greatest commandment was, Jesus said the same, “Love the LORD with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength” (Matt. 22:36-37). 

What if this was the one, single-most important rule in your house for your family to learn and live by? It sounds simple. And in everyone assuming that’s what they’re trying to do we may just miss actually pulling it off. What if this was the one idea and thought your kids walked away with when they graduate at eighteen and leave your home? Not how great the school is they got into. Not how important it is to buy their first house. Not how successful they will be in their career. Not how much they earn. Not how much they will impress others. Not how impressive the spouse they bring home will be. But loving God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. 

John Piper says this is the ONE, SINGLE, HOLY AMBITION TO LIVE FOR.1 That means we need to lay this out in front of our children as the most important ambition to pursue in life. The difficulty is the flood of other influencers and voices screaming for their hearts and their affections. 

If they get that aspect right—it answers a thousand other questions. If they get that aspect settled in their heart—they may avoid a thousand painful decisions and choices. If they get this settled as “There’s Only One God To Love,” a thousand small, lying, insidious idols will be destroyed along their path. 

What are you revealing to your children is the single most important thing to live for? 

Give them one single, glorious, holy ambition to live for! There is only One True God!

Sankie P. Lynch

www.nbchurch.info

www.nbfamilies.info

sankie@nbchurch.info

1. John Piper, A Holy Ambition (Desiring God, 2011).